I felt completely loved – so open, as if liquid love was flowing through all of me. For an instant I felt merged with her. Her message was one of reassurance and love. A reminder that I am more than the body – even more than the intuitive senses I use every day – and loved so thoroughly there was no need to hold on to the fear, sorrow and pain from this or any life time.
I had been working with my inner child. The one that never felt taken care of or safe, who could never relax as a kid and never let herself relax as an adult, and who never felt loved and wanted someone to save her. This part of me colored everything I feel and choose. So much so that even though money has begun flowing and support is showing up in all kinds of ways, I was becoming more and more agitated emotionally that things weren’t going my way and more and more tired at the amount and type of work I had to do to make things better for myself. As this part became more insistent on being healed, I became more depressed and angry, using my numbing agent of choice, food, more and more. However, I couldn’t find the inner peace I usually experience.
I did a lot of surrendering and healing for a few days (with myself and two wonderful healers) before I gained enough perspective to actually work with the emotional part of me that seemed to be the source of all of this. I told this little inner wounded child that I would always be here for her even when she didn’t believe it. I saw her huddled in the middle of my body. I saw when she stopped believing that things could be good, people could keep their word and that love didn’t have to hurt. There was some healing happening all around her but she was too mired in the fear. I did my best to love her up but it is hard to love unconditionally to any inner child when the adult trying to do the loving and reassuring is so influenced by that inner child.
So this wonderful spirit showed up to help her heal. After she faded I wondered who it was. The answer rang so true I could not doubt it. She was an aspect of my ‘higher’, true or inner self. I am that love and that compassion and that radiant.
* ok as an aside – why does this stuff always happen when I am in the bathtub?
But it reminded me how often people want to put those of us who have already opened to our higher selves on a pedestal or to tear us down from the pedestal on which they perceive us. Worse than that is how many lightworkers I see or hear claiming to be special because of their intuitive gifts while telling another lightworker how to act or what to write or say in order to be a true spiritual person. Come to think of it, I might have done some of that earlier in my growth (my apologies).
Here’s an interesting bit of information that many seem to deny or not know – we are ALL aspects of god. If we want to reconnect with our higher selves or inner beings WE CAN!!! All of us.
No one is prevented from doing it by anything other than his or her own choices and perceived limitations. I am not better than anyone because I chose long ago to commit to a lifetime of inner work to know my soul intimately while in a human body, and some enhanced intuitive skills developed as that work continued. Just as I am not less than anyone because that commitment takes me far away from what many consider success or appropriate living behavior in this physical world.
Please love yourself enough to believe (or pretend to believe until you really do) that you too can be as open to your inner being’s guidance as any lightworker you read about, talk to or communicate with. Your own intuitive skills and intimate knowledge of your higher self can develop in a way that is perfect for you, if you want and allow. If you put someone on a pedestal, have the grace to reassess when they fall off, because they will fall off. Find your own inner discernment about what is channeled, intuited, or asserted. And most of all, if someone is insisting you must do something a certain way, walk away. Only you can choose what is right for you and a light worker walking his or her own truth will know this and respect it and you.
And it is ok, and your right, to ignore all of this!!!
A few days ago I went to traffic school. The teacher was fun but we spent HOURS listening to everyone’s traffic horror stories. The energy was overwhelming in spite of the amount of time I spent reaffirming my safety and joyfulness. I found myself afraid to even drive home. After asking for AA Michael’s help to dissipate that energy before I started the car, I drove directly to my favorite place that overlooks the beach. I got out of the car and I walked to the edge of the overlook as if pulled. I couldn’t have turned away if I wanted to – and I did not want to. It was cold and breezy and the sun was beginning its descent for the day. I turned my face to the sun, closed my eyes and asked the ocean, the wind and the sun to cleanse me, to help me feel better and to help my heart energy expand again.
At first it was just cold and I could only feel the wind flow around me. As I stood there I felt the sun penetrate into my brain and the wind begin to clear my energy. Resistance to being open and expanded melted. I felt my heart open wide as if doors were being flung with exuberance and within an instant I became the ocean, flowing freely. I could intuitively feel my energy flow over the sea creatures and through the ocean plants. It was exhilarating. All of the worries, fears and judgments of the day dissolved. I felt like me again. Even when my conscious awareness came back to my physical surroundings the feeling of well-being persisted. What a delightful end to a not-as-delightful day.
But you know what?? That isn’t me. So for those of us who do appreciate, who are grateful and who do our best to be positive but crave or respond to more multi-dimensionally spiritual bent in our communications, shifts and growth, I am going to continue to be myself.
The good news is that there are many ways to get to where we are all going even when we are not aware of where we are going!!! The earth is evolving, so are we. It doesn’t mater if you do it through your religion, being positive, appreciating, working the land, giving to others, intense spiritual meditating and energy work, or raising and loving your kids the best way you know how – or all of these ways. It is perfect for you.
What a relief!!! Just be yourself in all areas, all ways, always.
Yesterday I wrote about learning to surrender while going through this phase of my life -earning income from work that is not deeply satisfying and that does not pay all the bills. I am willing to do this because I know from my soul this is the right thing for me right now.
The work I am doing now hurts my body a lot. It is very physical, and probably in the long run will be better for my health, but for now I am in pain and I certainly don’t have enough income to pay for the support I need to help my body get used to the physical work.
So I went on my local Craigs List (craigslist.org then pick your nearby city) and offered to barter for fitness training, massage, and acupuncture. I offered housecleaning, organizing and office work/business assisting – all things I have been doing for about a year to bring income to me. I received responses from some incredible people that I am not sure I would have met if I had not offered to barter.
Now I get a massage every two weeks and acupuncture every week. So far I have only done a little with the fitness trainer because I needed some healing before I could do much more. This is the wave of the future, trading or bartering for services and goods.
I am good at facilitating healing – off the charts good with fabulous results. I am also good at cleaning, organizing, office work, business assisting, computer work etc. I would not have thought to barter any of that if I had not been led to do it for money. These jobs that do not touch my heart have paved the way into the new energy of cooperative interdependence. They have also provided means for me to do a lot more internal growth through surrender and re-learning about energy boundaries.
I know from my soul this is the right thing for me right now and appreciate moving into the interdependence energies.
I have been committed to consciously knowing that I am an aspect of god in a human body for a very long time now, meeting my higher purpose of blending extreme spiritually with living in the every day world. It is my governing agreement and overshadows every other desire I can think of (and whatever I cannot think of).
That means even if I apply for any full time or part time jobs for which I qualify I don’t get them if they do not support me in that commitment. It also means that even though I want passionately with my whole being to earn money doing what is expansive and heart satisfying, right now I am not.
What I AM doing is absolutely right spiritually but I spend a lot of time surrendering in order to handle it - surrendering sadness, hopelessness, pain, despair, anger, other people’s energies, impatience, (whining – LOL!), etc. I go deep within a lot to remain expansive even as I am struggling with the energy boundaries necessary to do the physical work that pays me almost enough to live on (yes not only do I not get to do what makes my heart sing, I don’t make enough money with what I am doing to pay all the bills).
I know what I am doing right now is temporary and part of my spiritual growth. I know all the ways I cope with my resistance helps a lot too. I even know how some of what I am learning through all of this will help make me better at what I want to do. I am glad my deep, incredible spiritual growth continues and I wish that beautiful flow would show up in the ways I am supported financially. I am still choosing to be as positive and expanded as I can during this phase of my life.
Sometimes that is the way it is on the way to what you want. Certain things have to be learned or experienced before what you deeply desire manifests (or before your desires change).
I have spent so long financially destitute that even though I am consistently putting money in the bank this month my brain does not seem to be processing that I am making enough for this month and for next month too. I find I still sometimes wallow in the anxiety of not having enough money (or, really, not having enough period) even though the evidence suggests another scenario.
I began bridging the gap between the financial abundance in my energy fields and what I am allowing to show up in my every day physical life last November (2009). I saw evidence of change starting as early as April and now it is continuous and consistent. However, I still often hear myself say ‘I don’t have enough money’. I don’t really believe it is the exact words that create our reality but the energy/belief behind that is that I cannot pay my bills and that money isn’t going to continue flowing when my intuition (and current evidence) suggests that is not true any longer for me.
I am not rich or even well off, I don’t have extra to play with, I have needed new glasses for about a year now and being able to afford supplements is a big accomplishment, but generally my most urgent needs are being met. I was willing to walk through that door that God (and all my inner work) opened for me to new ways of earning money that also have encouraged further spiritual evolution. I have had several jobs this year that a few years ago I would never have said yes to.
My commitment is to live as the god I am in a human body at all times. I believe that includes trusting and allowing the universe to take care of my physical needs in a comfortable way. Sometimes that means I go through experiences just for the growth potential – including not making money through ways that make my heart sing. The learning experience is to follow my alignment with my higher self and let my heart sing no matter what I am doing. At this point everything I do is about helping others or spiritually evolving. When I surrendered to that knowledge, my financial situation began improving and continues to do so. Now my emotions, beliefs and inner thought patterns are catching up.
So are you seeing your other opportunities and accepting the wonderfulness already in your life, or do you still see your life through sight that is so tainted with old beliefs and memories that you are blind to what is really happening right now?
This week I am reacting to all of that and integrating deeper.
When I make big changes, and I am sure this is true for some of you, I do a lot of healing and releasing then shift, then react, then release and heal more. The reaction stage included me falling back on some old behaviors, such as reconnecting with certain addictions (to sugar, complaining, self-sabotage). As I integrate further into the stage of living that I have yearned for my whole life (and in many other lives, if my intuitive memory serves me well) I realize even my reacting with addictions is part of me being god because it is ALL god. It helps me to remember that so I can relax and allow even the old negativity to work its way through. Choosing to be positive sometimes means the addiction to negativity has to heal and sometimes healing means it needs to express itself. I just choose not to let it rule me anymore.
I also realize I am reacting to so much unfamiliarity. This is what everything in my life has been leading up to. Every thing I chose had the goal of getting here in mind. As I am transitioning to being comfortable with this full integration I am discombobulated about it all. On a psychic level I feel as if I am floating in the cosmic void as all kinds of expansion takes place inside. I don’t know that I have any idea what the heck I am going to do now. I am not sure I know how to just be without striving towards something, with accepting it is all god and nothing is bad or wrong with anything I choose or do.
It is very freeing and in that freedom I am. I just am. No direction needed, no obligation, no shoulds, no striving, nothing wrong, don’t have to MAKE anything happen; just being which is EXACTLY what I wanted. Now What?
My inner wise voice says, "Now I let the integration continue. Now I appreciate the contrast of how things are compared to my past. Now I accept everything in my life with the knowing that all that matches this vibration of me, this wonderfully integrated being-ness, will be created for my life in an easy joyful way. Now I relax and receive, even as I continue to give and share. Now I appreciate all that shows up in my life as it will match this new me or match what I am expanding beyond. Now I live my life."
I reached a tipping point a few weeks ago (as a friend calls it). Prior to that my restlessness, my resistance and my fear reactions were so overwhelming I was miserable. When I am like that the income flow ceases, although a wonderful friend was right there helping me to focus on the possibility of income flow from creative endeavors. She mitigated some of the extreme drama I tend to get into when I am resisting tipping over into the next phase or level of higher vibrational living. It is a pattern I apparently still follow.
I strongly resisted because I could only see the changes I didn’t want – earning most of my income doing what did NOT make my heart sing, possibly selling off more possessions, not having enough time for me or for art, maybe not having a working car, my body hurting from cleaning houses and the physical labor involved in other jobs, and less and less focus on spiritual healing –for me and with assisting others. However, what has happened is that I opened a door, and scooted through, to a greater level of inner peace and joy. I am successfully integrating my perception of what is spiritual with my every day life. It is kind of as I have described but not as I expected.
I have described it as being motivated by my own energy, my own sacredness, so that it doesn’t matter what I do or whom I am with in the human every day life. It is more than that. As I continue to integrate at this level of being-ness I am definitely inspired by my higher self as an aspect of God. The surprise is that I am actually MORE engaged with my physical world rather than less and there is peace in that too.
Every single client drawn to me and every part time job I am drawn towards still involves me helping others. I notice there is always some teaching involved even if the job is not directly spiritual (incidents spontaneously arise that create opportunities for me to remind people of their magnificence and connection to God). I am closer to my friends than I have ever been and I am beginning to find the balance in working and alone time, carving out pieces of time for art and meditating.
Each choice seems to lead to something in my life being more nurturing and easier for me, even in the smallest things. I sold an end table and rearranged my living room to accommodate the shift in furniture. It now feels cozier and I have carved out an area that is waaay more comfortable as an office and sewing space. More than that, after two years of living in this apartment I finally love my living room. I find that, at the moment I no longer have any urge to sell anything else I own.
Oh and my car stopped acting up as soon as I tipped into the newer energy of me.
I also am more discerning with my energy because I trust that I am creating income flow and abundance no matter what I think is happening in the moment. I was even able to discontinue working with a client as I was intuitively guided rather than stick it out because of money worries.
I had felt very powerful in my spiritual work and very disempowered in my every day physical life. This entire year has been about bridging that gap. There is no gap any more. It has balanced out and integrated. I feel more whole inside too and much more peaceful, no longer needing to strive for healing. It is like a switch was flipped and I am no longer practicing separation (even in thought) between my physical 'outer' world and my inner energies or higher vibration spirit. I let go of the ego's need for that separation in order to feel important.
I felt this particular step up in dimensional living quite strongly as I did it even though I think I am still surprised at the current results. I am quite comfortable, even joyous, at my level of contentment and creation. I have never lived any length of time with the inner critic so calm. I like it.
Rosie has been guiding me for a few weeks now. She came as a new guide to help me open to more abundance and looks like a gorgeous little fairy with dark curly hair and a pink small dress. She’s sassy, straight talking, educational and very magical. I know she is a part of me but it is fun to have guidance come in this form.
We talk every day and now she is integrating into my consciousness rather than appearing as a separate guide.
She has taught me so much. I have been focusing on opening to abundance in the physical world all year. It has been my main focus as a matter of fact. I have heard for years that there is lots of it around me but no one, NO ONE, has helped me get it into the physical world. So that has been my mission this year. Along the way I have had to do a lot more releasing, surrendering and expanding.
For instance, I narrowly defined abundance as having more of what I didn’t have – money, friendships, community, health. Rosie has taught me that abundance shows up in the expansive energy, in the limitless places within. Abundance is allowing ease in my life, more kindness to myself, more trust in things working out just fine, more physical comfort and beauty (this week in the form of flowers and some very high thread count sheets she wants me to buy), a strong balance between work and fun (since I worry about money all the time I tend to view everything I do as a way to earn more and it gets tedious; this week I actually went to the movies and enjoyed myself), and a lot of openness as to how money comes to me.
The results have been some astounding financial potential. I still had to borrow money to pay rent but it was lent with graciousness and love (no judgment – at least none voiced or projected). One of the jobs I have had since July but really diminished in the fall opened back up and I am now cleaning houses for it quite often. I picked up a few clients who have needed help packing and another who needs help cataloguing and selling his antique and art collection before he loses his house. Additionally, I am going next week to test for a possible permanent part time civil service job more in line with my business skills. Lots of opportunity for enough income to actually pay my bills and perhaps even pay back some of the money I borrowed.
I am now coping with some deep internal sadness, and maybe a little depression, because none of these methods of earning income touch my heart or make my soul sing; and one of them is actually painful for my body. They are practical and I am grateful. I know that is part of the reason it took so long for me to allow it all in – because I really wanted to create a magical life where I got to do only that for which I have great passion. I am being reminded intuitively that everything has a purpose and to stay in the present moment and in the gratitude I have for this shift in my every day life. It is part of my spiritual mastery. I spend a lot of time breathing into any constriction or ego around what I have been holding on to tightly for 11 years as my passion.
One of the side serendipitous results of all the changing this year is that I have become a lot more positive and a lot less dramatic. So I am following my guidance for all of these changes, choosing to believe they are leading me deeper into happiness and contentment, no matter what I do to earn income in this physical plane of existence.
I have also allowed more abundance through some pretty great friendships and a growing circle of spiritual support. Just in the past few weeks I have come to know that all of the internal changes I have made are somehow also leading me to be ready for a mate. I am not exactly sure how but I am thrilled about that.
I appreciate my ability to allow these kinds of shifts, to be ready for Rosie and whatever other part of me wishes to show up for wonderful guidance (and there is another part that I can just barely discern coming – it is more lavender in color), while I pray for stamina to weather the physical demands of all this work and healing for any emotional weariness arising from all the releasing of expectations and attachments.