At first the doors seemed as if they wouldn’t open. They were so heavy and corroded. They had obviously been closed for a very long time and it didn’t seem as if there was enough help to open them. I struggled, trying to push, then pull. I prayed and then complained a lot. I thought I oiled the rails on the bottom and cleared out all the debris but they had been closed for so long, maybe they just weren’t going to open. No matter how much effort I expended, they stayed shut tight even though they bulged outward from the need to open to whatever was inside.
I did feel for a short moment what it could be like if those doors would open one day last week. But the moment passed and I was left only with the memory and the intense desire to open them permanently, leading to me striving even harder.
One day soon after that moment I spent some time with two incredible and generously supportive friends. They tended to the earth and space outside of the doors and helped sooth what was inside. Everything began to blossom and respond to the attention. One of those friends had the exact perfect frequency that he beamed to the doors. My desire and need to have them open was so great I let him, although I could only take it in short bursts because the light was so bright and I became a little doubtful that I was worthy of this help.
Then a miracle occurred. Without any further struggle, the doors to a much deeper level of my heart began to open, slowly, cautiously and happily. They creaked and moaned as the energy inside peaked out and moved to integrate. I became aware that much of the internal discomfort I had been experiencing over the past 2 months was the feeling of those closed doors. I felt them long before they were ready to open and then wasn’t patient about it. I thought I had gone backwards and closed down more and then tried to push the re-opening.
Today I am clear it was a step into me that I have been asking for and allowing. I am so grateful and in love with my friends for being the extension of god that they are and fulfilling the role so sacredly yesterday that I needed. I am aware that the activation, opening and loving was experienced by all of us in the way we each needed. I needed my heart to go ahead and open. Someone else needed support in moving into her next level of being. The third person needed support in opening to his deeper purpose in this life to be comfortable taking the next step. It was a magical day. I am so in love with God right now.
When your higher self wants you to know something, it makes sure to get your attention. Thank God and myself that I can sometimes pay attention before it gets too drastic. There was a time when that wasn’t true.
Today I participated in an email discussion about how sometimes once you have done all the healing you can do and learned your own skills and talent all you can do is follow the waves – surrender to destiny and the energy flow. My part of the discussion was to say I am not good at this!! He pointed out the wisdom.
Then when working with a client we supported the healing of an overlay of helplessness/hopelessness that was assimilated at a certain level within our energy fields, i.e. the feeling of not wanting to continue healing or showing up in the present moment because it wouldn’t make any difference. This is an issue I have been struggling with for a long time and have been very frustrated that I can’t seem to move it. During the session I was told that it was not possible to release the helplessness/hopelessness before 9/9 because the energy of earth and the human mass consciousness was not ready. It is such a big issue that a certain amount of energy at a certain level of the human mass consciousness had to raise to a higher vibration before we could heal it individually.
So more proof that sometimes waiting is important and it is all you can do. I clearly need to pay attention to timing for those issues I cannot seem to heal or release.
BUT as I was waking up I heard very clearly in my head that I was trying to go back to the place I was and I cannot. I am going to a new place and I do not have the full directions or location yet, but I am getting there.
I have been struggling more than usual over the past few months. I made a momentous change, along with the earth’s energy, to integrate more of my higher self into the physical. I had been focusing on being extremely spiritual and it was time for balancing. But the struggle, born from intense fear, is that all of a sudden everything felt so different and I panicked. I have not had the best of times here in the physical world and all those memories came back as soon as a higher version of me tried to settle within the physical body (because the physical body is now clearing at a deeper level and shifting to a higher vibration). I found myself doing things I used to do - going to a sewing group, trying some other familiar groups and events – to regain my equilibrium. I even fell back on an old pattern of trying to connect to some people through complaining – connecting through my wounds as Carolyn Myss calls it. Luckily both of these people called me on it right away.
So this dream was an answer to my frustrated prayer for help about what has been going on. I am able to be calmer today. I would love to have the answers about where I AM going but clearly answers do come in the right timing. So I am thanking my higher self for the support.
October 1st. Thank God. That means the energies of next year are already swirling about. I am going into my 5 year. I am thankful to be leaving the 4 year – the year of hardship. In numerology 5 is the year of change and it is the number of my name. I am hoping for positive change.
Between the forgiveness exercise I did Tuesday, my dream Tuesday night and a healing attunement I began yesterday, plus some diet and supplement changes I began on Sunday, I am already feeling better. The cooler weather helps also.
So now I am embracing the part of me that equates feeling better with manifesting better things for myself in the physical world any time soon. That equation, especially the expectant time frame, leads to impatience and disappointment and I don’t want to be wallowing in those emotions any more. I know, I know all the new agers say one leads to the other. It might. It might not. Hard to know. I DO KNOW my expectation of that has caused me lots of pain in my past and I am choosing not to go that way now or in my future.
Once again I am aware I am being guided to write my book, walk and enjoy every day. Funny, at the moment I have no desire to make art. Weird. But I cannot push it so I packed up all my art supplies neatly for the next time I decide to make anything. My apartment looks so big with everything put away, empty actually.
I am learning to heal that old energy/emotion of not knowing what to do with myself when I feel good and have a lot of energy. I have not connected closely with too many people here so I don’t have people to turn to for entertainment or distraction. Since my business isn’t booming and no one is contacting me from all the job applications I don’t have a lot of income, therefore I am not comfortable spending much money. It leaves me at loose ends. Even the beach gets tiresome when you go every single day. So what to do with myself? What to do?
It appears to be a good time to ‘love up’ my self saboteur because when I don’t have a lot to do I start trying to fall back into some old negative thoughts. But you know, I have changed. Those thoughts no longer feel right in my head. It is kind of like my ego wanting to fall back into an old pattern but the pattern really doesn’t fit anymore – it is a memory of a pattern rather than a pattern engraved into my energy. I am grateful to realize that as it provides the opportunity for me to stay consciously aware of my thoughts and of what is comfortable for me now. I am learning myself more and more every day.
Everything is new. When I was young I expected that so it was fine and exciting. Now I find myself frustrated and tired. When I can just ignore any past expectations and grasp all the new with the wonderment of a child it IS exciting and energetic and I want more and more. It seems I am relearning how to live, without all the rote habits and definitions. The tiredness and frustration comes from the transition from one way to another. I cannot go back because this is who I am now but part of me is being retrained and has been resisting and really needs more time at this. it isn’t any different than training a muscle to move differently. It is VERY tiring at first because it is used to moving one way only and it has to reshape and be stimulated differently to move in a different way. It is the same with my thoughts and emotions.
As I write this I am enjoying this understanding. Living it every day is taking some concentration and more conscious awareness moment to moment than I am used to. No wonder there are days when I am very tired. What a good reason to be tired!!! YAY!!
I woke up today with energy and readiness to move forward. I am so grateful. I wrote some ofthe book without whining in my head. I walked to the library and back (3.5 miles). I felt full of optimism, hope and energy without any restlessness that often accompanies having energy. I have no idea what caused this but I am very grateful for it.
I have spent over 2 months not feeling well physically and many months more going through emotional stuff. I have been doing a lot more inner healing and integrating into the physical – which of course brought up a lot of old emotions/beleifs stored in the phsyical. Does that mean that today I am done with the digging up of the old? Maybe for a time. Hard to know if there is a ‘done’.
I like this state of being. I am not crazed with trying to find something to do. I am enjoying the beautiful cool weather. I am not impatient (well except for when the computer at the library wouldn’t play the video I wanted to watch!!) or immersed in negative self-talk. I am more aware of the self-talk that goes on in the background but it is not overwhelming or triggering negative emotions.
I am also not wanting to do a lot of meditation or inner work right now. If it comes up that is ok but I am not trying to do it so I feel better.
I go through periods like this. It is my desire to live my life this grounded and peaceful brushed with the light of joy.
I have a dilemma. As an empath I often feel what other people are feeling and if I am not paying careful attention I forget that it is their stuff not mine. It happens when I work with clients and it happens with friends. I feel emotions AND physical sensations (lucky me- sarcastically said).
At the moment I have a friend who has helped me through so much but our paths diverged somewhat beginning in August so we cut back dramatically on the amount of energy healing or spiritual growth work we do with each other. I am going through a lot now and desired help so I have been talking to her again.
However, each time I talk to her I am aware of a lot of despair and negativity. I also cough and have other physical symptoms. We laugh about it. When I ask my own intuition if I should be talking to her I get a no but I don’t know if that is the part of me that doesn’t want to heal or the part of me that is aware that I am feeling her stuff and not mine. Because I don’t know if what is coming up is mine or hers. When I am not on the phone with her I do not cough and my mood immediately lightens. Wouldn’t the emotions remain if they were mine? Am I walking around truly feeling this bad but in denial? I truly cannot find the same panic inside of me when I am not on the phone with her. Yes, there is a part of me that thinks I should be panicking but I don’t actually feel like I am. I have been in denial before so my mind wants to go there but something isn’t letting me. I can’t ask the other two people I usually ask because they are living too much in the 3rd dimension and have huge money issues and can’t understand why I wouldn’t be panicking about my finance situation. ARGGH!!
When I have a client I just ask the client if he/she is noticing whatever it is I feel. This person does not feel her emotions or doesn’t talk about them, and, except for the cough, everything I that comes up is emotional, so I do not get accurate feedback when I ask. She ALWAYS says it is what I am really feeling.
So if it is what I am feeling is it ready to heal or is she triggering deep fears that aren’t quite ready – is that why I don’t feel it when I am not on the phone? And if it is not mine but her energy and I am interpreting it as negative emotions, how do I not feel them when I talk to her? Tricky stuff.
There is nothing much I can do about it except pray and intend that I am surrendering to my higher self for healing/transformation because what is DEFINITELY try is that I cannot figure this out with my mind. In my heart I know I want to be as calm, accepting and loving as I can be AND trust that I will create abundance in the physical world and allow myself to be taken care of financially as well as any other way. I am assuming this is a step along the way.
This may seem like an unusual topic for someone leading a spiritual life and trying to live as god in a human body but I think it is totally appropriate. Self-acceptance and loving myself are the foundation of my spiritual evolution.
I have worked on it, surrendered to it, made great strides in that area and continue to allow more evolution in my acceptance of my self and in loving myself unconditionally. Yet… I am finding as this level of my integration (of my intense spiritual awareness and expansion into my human body) progresses all kinds of difficulties are arising from the schism in my intuitive knowing, as well as energetic shifts, and the old ingrained and entrained American societal rules.
My energy did a shift on Wednesday night and I woke up Thursday feeling great. I had a lot of physical energy and interest. My spirits lifted. Today I felt pretty good also, except during a conversation with someone and a tiny bit afterwards. But I noticed something interesting, something I have noticed it before but it sort of really yelled at me today.
I felt very pretty today. I felt happy with myself and my body. When I feel uplifted I think I look good and sexy, my step has a bounce in it, I am at peace with the world. I feel awash in soft love for me and for every one else. My hair cooperates and hangs beautifully too!! Really, it does.
Then I looked in the mirror and saw an overweight, middle-aged, not so pretty person staring back at me and immediately deflated. My own inner judgment about what a sexy, vital person looks like got in my way. Apparently my evolution needs a bit more work!!!
It is like that with me. When I am connected inside to Source I feel beautiful. When I get disconnected all I do is judge and complain. Normal for anyone but now because of the separation in the dimensions on and of earth I CAN’T STAND IT.
So this afternoon I intended all of the old beliefs, agreements, judgments and negativity (again, my judgment) transform and catch up with the rest of me that is enjoying my journey through the higher vibrations. I watched a few hours of tv shows on the computer then went to an art reception yesterday early evening and enjoyed myself.
After all of that, last night when I looked in the mirror I loved the way I looked.
Well I asked for reassurance and yesterday it came in the form of a fun psychic reading I received. Now the question is – can I believe it? I want to but all I can remember is all the times I received wonderful information before which did NOT come true. Funny, one of the things she said yesterday is that I need to heal/release the disappointment energy as well as distrust of any business partnership.
The nice thing is that this is the first balanced reading I have received in years. Usually they are very negative or everything good is happening so far in the future that it is more of a fantasy than a reality. This one was more realistic about what was coming and the issues she mentioned that I am working through or coming out of were spot on for me.
I am not sure why I felt reassured by the reading but all the reassurance that I hear and see and feel from my higher self does nothing for me. I just don’t believe. I am aware that what my higher self thinks is ok may not be for me in the human body. I am aware my human life is illusory and temporary but I would like to be more comfortable, trusting, peaceful, joyful and thrilled with it. I am not sure why I think that is possible but I do demand it.
For all I know the woman yesterday was reading my desires and fears and nothing to do with my possible future. I did that when I was first starting out as a psychic and her skills weren’t that deep (rather her vibration wasn’t that high). But it still felt reassuring.
It has been a week of clearing and re-balancing.
My monk friend and I had a conversation to followup on my confusion about what was going on (see 2 blogs ago). We talked about many things but I think I was trying to pull her back into a sort of friendship that isn’t beneficial to either of us. I was feeling down and lonely and a bit panicky about my immediate future and wanted her to help me but I didn’t specifically ask for help because I knew we were not supposed to be relying on each other that way (according to our guidance received in August). So after our conversation I let go.
I was able to channel for myself – first time in a few weeks. That reconnection helped a lot. It is indicative of me moving forward instead of holding on to old energy.
I stopped trying to make things happen – specifically a job. I have intended that I be guided to the most beneficial way of making money for me. I check in with my guidance about what to do each day and I ask to heal/release any ego attachments that might be interfering with what is in my highest and best interest. I am quicker to love up any resistance to any of this (yay!).
I have made several changes in my supplements, food and exercise to help my body have more energy. I have more to go but the changes so far (in 3 weeks) have made a lovely difference. I am more rested when I wake up, I retain more energy throughout the day, and I am able to exercise without pain. All good things. Plus it is just easier to be grounded. My body is integrating more of my higher self each day.
My book is coming along and I noticed a pattern that has given me hope. I noticed that I am definitely on an upswing, recovering from the hole I fell into wherein I hit bottom with cancer. The healing has progressed nicely and now I am moving into more joy, allowing and acceptance. Writing this book has shown me a lot of positive aspects of my life that I didn’t notice before. It is easier for me to let go of the melancholy and general negativity that I have felt around my experiences. I have been able to work very closely with some sadness and shock over how harsh my experiences have been because of the choices I made due to my internal toxic belief system and limitations I had not cleared yet. All of that seems to be healing.
I have a lot of hope for my future being VERY different than my past in this life. This time the hope is not tied to an expectation of what that will look like, although I certainly have my desires.
Today I am calm, accepting and open to all the joy that is ALREADY me.
Jealousy is rearing its ugly little head inside of me. I am jealous of Matt Monarch who at only 33 years is well known within the raw community and seems to have a thriving business and new wonderful marriage. I have none of that. I am jealous of a person with a yahoo group that focuses on low level spiritual energy and awakenings with 800 people on it. Mine only has 200. I have greatness inside of me too why can I not manifest it and WHY is it so important to me that I do?
My ego is feeling annoyed today and is making it known to me. ok I admit I have been feeling useless these days. I know right now it is perfect that nothing is happening that I can see besides me walking, addressing some physical health concerns and writing my book. I AM BORED and IMPATIENT!!! LOL!!! I also have fear that it won’t get beyond this.
And I am irritated at even the small ’successes’ of others. Mind you these successes are MY judgment and opinions, not necessarily theirs. I want more for me. I have never gotten to the place of total acceptance of what is. I want more. I hope it is because I am so much more than I see or that there is so much more in store for me NOT that my ego is just needing more feeding. But who knows?
All part of the next steps in letting go more of my ego attachment to events, status symbols, things and people outside of me I am sure. I am also sure there is something else going on inside as a result of my visit with my sisters yesterday (visiting family ALWAYS brings up stuff). Just more to heal.