My resisting ego showed up this morning as a hurt, arrogant male energy fighting for his survival. First his energy interfered with some processing I was in the middle of last night ( I had to just stop and do something else), then he took form and talked to me in my dreams last night, then he showed up in meditation this morning.
He was hurt and angry that I was trying to push him aside. This part of me felt it had done me great service with all the protecting and holding on to ideals. I thanked him profusely for his service to me. I then reminded him that I am not trying to kill him, just balance him with softness, wisdom, intuition and heart. I also reminded him how hard he works to stay vigilant and we looked at how battle weary he has become (even his armor is dented and tarnished, with pieces missing) trying to hold on to territory that clearly isn’t helping me at all. Wouldn’t he like a health upgrade so he is stronger and can enjoy life more? Then we reviewed many scenes of my physical life that have been harsh and looked at what all the inner conflict has created in my life and in my body. He agreed to change, calmed down and allowed more integration.
He got bigger in my vision and began glowing. His body healed its wounds and even his hair changed from straggly grey to thick, curly dark brown. His armor kind of dissolved and he turned golden. Then he integrated into the beautiful divine feminine energy that I uncovered within me over the weekend. Beautiful. The process that was interrupted by this part of me is continuing.
Note: I am aware that I am referring to an inner emotional part of me. Those parts show up intuitively as fully developed personalities in my meditations and spiritual work. Sometimes they are inner children, sometimes they are one dimensional grown-ups. They are often hurt or weak or dirty or undeveloped looking until they begin to heal and integrate.
I get triggered by all sorts of events, places and people. Triggered means that some inner emotion or energy is activated or pushed to show itself -usually because it is time for healing.
On Tuesday night I went to a dinner with a friend and someone else she had invited triggered me big time with her neediness, illnesses and sticky energy (a bit of ’save me’ kind of energy). I was triggered because I have had (and may still have) that SAME energy within me – the desire for someone else to save me – but ALSO because I have been going through a rather amazing transformation this week that is leading to a much more integrated and fulfilled me. I also know it is going to change my life a lot once it is fully integrated.
So the tricky, fearful ego (and the very smart higher self) used this woman’s neediness and illnesses and my reaction to her energy as an opening to both take in some of her attachments (nasty bug looking energy) and to bring up or uncover another pocket of an old frequency that needed healing in order to move into the new integrated being of me. My pattern is that when I am afraid of moving ‘forward’ in my spiritual growth I find some way to bring up old energy that interferes with smooth, easy transformation. It also makes sure that I am thorough in my integrating so it goes faster (remember, faster is hardly ever easier).
My reaction was that I didn’t sleep well Tuesday night and yesterday I was irritated and angry at store clerks, things did not go smoothly for me with a bank transaction (I actually had to leave the bank and go to another branch) and I began eating out of control. I intuitively got that it was due to my reaction to the woman the night before and took steps to clear what I might have picked up BUT I didn’t see or was not aware of how this was used to bring up some old energy that was within me. So I didn’t address that until last night. Once it cleared I was able to allow my current process to continue – until my inner damaged protector showed up to resist (and he integrated this am (see blog 1 for today for that story).
I made sure to bless that woman and my friend for their role in helping me with the next step in my healing.
My ego (the inner judge and blamer) tells me that no one will want to work with me if I admit that I am terrified about what is happening to me financially so I have been trying to either not talk/write about it or be very positive when I do. The truth is even gifted healers and intuitives have their own stuff to deal with. I hit a wall last night and all I can do right now is admit it.
I know I am one of the luckier ones because in 2 months when I have no more money I can sell or give everything away and go live in my friend’s ashram. It is not what I want to do or where I want to live geographically, but it is available. At least I have a place to go to and a working car to get me there.
I have done everything I have been intuitive guided to do (that I was aware of), I have worked on this fear for a year, I have consistently and constantly looked for a job, I have marketed my business, I am doing my best to give of both my time and my money so I am not so constricted energetically and still not enough money comes to me and I am not in a situation where I am supported by others for my physical comforts (i.e. no family, no community, etc). I do believe that had I been more frugal these past few years I might have still had enough money for about 4 more months, but that could just be me judging myself and I can’t do anything about it right now anyway. It is done.
How is it that I can be so powerful and gifted as a healer and intuitive for everyone else but can’t create what I need in the physical world? Although even as I write that part of me reminds me that up to now I have been ok (perhaps not getting what I want but definitely what I need). It is only the reality of my bank account and the math that tells me the money running out that has me terrified. I want to be more in the now and not worry about the future but we are talking a month and a half.That might as well be now.
So today – more walking to drain off some of this excess energy and more inner work to break the stranglehold of whatever is blocking me from functioning more adeptly in the physical world OR whatever keeps me from accepting that this is perfect and all will be well even if I end up with only a few small appliances and some cloths in an ashram.
But I am asking for help. I am asking for supportive prayers and healing energy from all who read this. May I find a way to connect with my inner abundance and find a way to create that in the physical world. May whatever growth I am generating from this be quick (MUCH quicker) so that I can shift this energy.
SHEW!! The emotional, energetic and psychic roller coaster seems to have slowed down some. I can now write again.
I tried a lot of avenues to calm down since last Friday and want to share them with you as well as my observations and realizations, in case any of this can help you.
Here’s what I did: I signed up for many websites that will publish articles and pay something or advertise my services, I joined a bunch of surveys-for-cash websites (don’t – I only made $20 in 4 days and they won't give you cash until you get to $30 on one site -10 months later still haven't gotten there), I contacted a couple of websites that have online psychics to get the process started to do that for income, I applied for about 15 full time office jobs and with one staffing agency, I participated in a worldwide holographic healing call with Reggi Shelley (now called Jade Phoenix), I worked with gifted healer Linda White Dove, I got some advice from another healer, I used cold medicine to sleep when the brain wouldn’t shut up (I had a cold but I rarely use cold medicine, this time I did), I did my best not to complain too much, I ate soup from a can just to make my life easier (instead of eating homemade, healthier soup), and I participated in a beautiful meditation last night. I tried to write but mostly I just expressed my anger, panic and sadness. I watched funny you tube clips. I did not force myself to walk. I really, really, really appreciated all the incredible support I received from friends and email buddies and Facebook networkers. I let myself absorb that to the depths of my beingness.
The results? Well I am calmer and more grounded. I allowed a lot of healing of my first and 2nd chakras so I can ground to the physical world better. After a lot of back and forth during which I had it all planned out how I would sell or give away most of what I owned (including my beloved furry companion, Panther) to move across the country and stay in an ashram, I remembered that there must be something I get to choose and decided and declared that I am staying in Encinitas and put down deeper roots here. I loved up the fears over and over. I was finally able to raise my vibration enough to allow higher aspects of me to do some amazing healing and reassuring last night (and I felt it in my body).I recognized that some piece of my ego was on the verge of balancing but was crabbily holding on to one last piece of something that needed to shift, no doubt some last illusion of control. That was the source of the immense panic (the money situation is just a symptom and a distraction).
The conscious shift began last night and is almost complete. I still am not aware of any clear intuitive guidance as to what to do and my choices have not panned out. So I am still stumped but I am not panicked like I was last Friday. Some part of me really must have needed to blame myself and the higher, more evolved, aspects must have really wanted to trigger a certain level of energy/understanding in all sorts of other people.
After sharing my blog last Friday describing my disappointment and fears I received a lot of feedback. A few people were magnificent and compassionate in their responses and offers of support. Others, well, let’s just say NOT!!! I am sure I triggered their own fears but I was saddened at some of the things that were written and said to me (some by my closest friends). Then I was shocked that I responded with so much pain but I had a lot of pain crying out for healing anyway so I am now grateful for the extra ‘help’ in going deeper. BLESS YOU ALL!!! I mean it from my heart.
Because I have said some of these things to myself and I KNOW some of you have said them to yourselves I am listing all the different ways I attracted blaming and abusive energy and comments, with the caveat that I am now clear that I have made no mistakes and I was not wrong or a bad person because of any choices I made:
What I said to myself when the pain was the greatest: I am a failure. Why did I ever leave my secure job to pursue spiritual growth if it was going to lead back to needing a full time job? How can I trust my intuition if following it seems to always be wrong (in hindsight)? Maybe I should just go live in an ashram and serve the head guru since I can’t seem to make it in the world.
I have no idea how any of this is going to play out. I am aware that since I have committed to intense spiritual growth in a human body that my higher self will always guide me to the path with the most growth (I will write more about this in another article) so this could just be a step along that path. I sometimes wish I could ‘fit in’ better so my poor ego could be assuaged a little bit rather than feel like it is being forced to lose or give up all the time. I also wish my ego and the inner pain would heal gentler and easier! LOL!!
But today, I just hope that I provide the opportunity for clear intuitive guidance as to how to allow myself to be supported comfortably in the physical world in Encinitas, CA.
However, all I managed to write was two blogs – one talking about my deep panic about money that turned to actually be about fear of ‘moving’ forward in my spiritual evolution and the other one about some of the techniques I used to abate the fear and a small portion of what I had learned about it. I sat down tonight to write about a cool discovery I made on how to know a core aspect of our personal nature but it was like grinding gears to get the words to come out.
It just isn’t time yet. Like my art projects, writing cannot be pushed either. I was in a space of incredible inner silence and complete fulfillment on Saturday (which I hope to write about soon). I wanted to capture that in an art piece. I pulled all the fabric out and tried to get an idea of the arrangement and just ended up with a headache. I went outside and sat in the sun in contemplative sacredness. The entire completed project popped into my head about an hour later. Writing is the same – I get guided to write when the time is right. When I am not listening or following my guidance it is like grinding gears or nothing comes out.
There is a lot going on and I haven’t sorted it out yet. I don’t know how to explain clearly the leap in consciousness I took this past week. Nothing I would write would be complete because I haven’t completed my integration of all the changes. For someone who is pretty conscious about changes and likes to know what is going on as it happens, this is new. But I am accepting that at this level of being things are different. I can see some of the results – my readings/healing sessions are stronger than ever, I am letting go of a lot of art supplies (!), I am spending less time on the computer, I am not enjoying the same kinds of books I used to, I have slowed down a lot, I am more patient (THE BEST RESULT EVER), and I am MUCH calmer about my money situation. I cannot spend any time complaining about anything or contemplating anything I used to worry about. I also don’t seem to be able to veer even slightly away from being in alignment with my higher self or I get bad headaches or other body symptoms. But I will write more about all of this some other time.
Right now I am accepting that integration and rest time is needed. Sometimes I don’t get to know what is happening exactly while it is happening, if at all. I have moved to a new level of trusting and accepting and self-responsibility.
For years I have had issues with giving. I love to do it yet I have also used it as a way to try to get other people to like me or accept me or pretend they do. Then I would get resentful that I was giving an not getting anything back. I worked on my issues about needing so much, about the leftover emotions from being born to parents who were incredibly selfish, about re-creating that in every romantic relationship, about cultural fears that created the inner desire to be needed and to always have material things to give, and about loving myself enough to believe people can like and support me without me giving away all my money or things to them.
I realized recently that I am basically a giving person at the core and have been trying to get back to enjoying it for all of this life (and perhaps many other lives too). I want to be able to share lovingly from a place of knowing that all my needs are always met and that I am thoroughly loved. It is the very thing that seems to be at the core of most of the issues that I have been healing during my spiritual awakening journey. It makes sense to me. Why wouldn’t a grand awakening to my authentic self involve healing everything that kept me from knowing something that is very true to my inner core self?
Well, I discovered something that made me go aha. I also thought it was rather amusing. Here I want to give from joy yet I have a lot of damage around feeling fulfilled enough to even know joy. THEN I realized that I have had too much hurt to allow myself to receive anything. So, in the past, I haven’t been able to receive any love or support EVEN if it is offered because of old fears about what obligations or pain might come on top of whatever is offered. Sometimes even now I don’t allow myself to accept or feel support, from friends or god.
So I want to give but feel empty and resentful because I feel unfulfilled and want others to help fill me up. BUT I don’t allow myself to receive. GEEZ!! Talk about being between a rock and a hard place
I imagine I have done this for many inner core issues but the learning to receive has been up very strong for me recently so it is freshest in my mind. So I suggest for everyone reading this – if you have struggled with the same issue or pattern for years, try looking at it from another perspective or the other side of the coin. You may find your block in an unexpected place within you.
I am happy that I am allowing a very deep healing with these issues. One of my deepest desires is to belong and participate in a loving community. I know healing the receiving and giving issue will go a long way to make that comfortable for me!!
I am appreciating all the abundance in my life today.
During the past month so much support, love and comfort has come my way that I am wallowing in the delight of it all. I still have not developed or fallen into (depending on how you look at it) a means of earning more money, yet I am taken care of. Isn’t that what we have been hearing/reading of the higher dimensional energy living?
Let me give you some examples so you can review your own life and appreciate the abundance you may not yet notice. I reconnected with an acquaintance I knew 7 years ago to trade with for help in manifesting my spiritual shifts and energy/emotional desires into the physical world. I believe the trade has been effective for both of us. A friend paid for a good chunk of the cost of my visit to the ashram last week. Without that, I would not have been able to go. Two different people I don’t know gave me rides to and from the airport to the ashram – 2.5 hours each way. A devotee of the ashram’s swami (my friend is the swami) paid for half of my food while I was there. Some of the rest of it was provided by the ashram. The swami gave me indian cooking lessons, with reviews of spices particularly good for digestion (an issue I am leaving behind now). Two friends met me in LA when I got back for dinner so I was entertained while I waited for traffic to become reasonable so I could drive home to Encinitas (1.5 hours). AND they waited for me with good cheer and grace (I was about an hour late). They also paid for half of my dinner, did a money activation intention with me, and gave me a very good quality raincoat that one of them no longer used (I needed it). I got home and my cat was clearly ok with his care, always a worry for me because he is so finicky and neurotic. Several friends checked in with me over the week and the one I am trading with made time for a session while I was there.
Isn’t all of that lovely? As I rest and let everything assimilate from last week I am also basking in gratitude for my friends and for how I have been taken care of.
An ashram is a spiritual center where there are usually spiritual classes and places for silent retreat and meditation. The one I visited is a Hindu ashram with a cottage for the guru, places to sleep for visitors and a temple containing statues representing the Hindu gods, which themselves are representations of various aspects of the one god. There is worship in the temple each day and the gods and altar area is cleaned and adorned with fresh flowers each day also. The guru’s high energy and constant prayerful living makes the energy very warm, welcoming and nurturing.
This particular ashram is located in southern Georgia in the woods about 15 miles from the nearest town, which is tiny. You can read about them at www.arshavm.org. It is quite rural with the sleeping accommodations located in trailers (nice trailers) and no paved roads. The surrounding lands are farms and hunting grounds. It is a small ashram without a lot of money and the food provided is either frozen cardboard stuff that is barely edible to me or Asian Indian food that is strictly vegetarian and full of starchy carbohydrates. It is a 1.5 hour drive to the airport near me with the best flights, a 6-9 hour flight time depending on layovers, and a 1-2.5 hour drive from whichever airport I choose on the other end. Plus, I have some special dietary needs that I worried would not be accommodated and I had to pay for a pet sitter for the entire time.
My increase in shifting/processing began from the moment I made the decision to go and continued for a little over a week after I returned home. Heck it could still be continuing for all I know. I had been resisting going to this ashram for a few years because I just do not like being uncomfortable and it is quite a physical journey to get there, and, let’s face it, I was a bit afraid of what would happen to me while I was there. Plus I didn’t want to spend a lot of money to do something I wasn’t enthusiastic about. I actually opened my mouth to say no I would not be there when I heard myself say yes. Sometimes that happens when my higher self is kind of pushing at me to do something. I said yes on a Friday and I left the Saturday a week later. SHEW!! It is probably a good thing it was so fast or I might have backed out.
All sorts of wonderful support fell into place as soon as I said I would be going. It turns out my frequent flyer miles covered the flight, my friend, the guru of the ashram, arranged for someone to bring me to the ashram from the airport on her end, and someone paid for the pet sitting and car parking on my end. I had two unexpected clients who paid me in cash the week before I left so I had some spending money. Also, most of my food was going to be provided at no cost to me. Clearly it was the right choice for me to go.
I have been very intensely focused on directing my spiritual growth processes since December because my desperation about my money situation was overwhelming me. I was very determined to find a way to bring into the physical world visible and tangible manifestations of the incredibly expansive spiritual growth I had been experiencing. In spite of the shifting I had been doing over the past 16 years, I still had a lot of energetic/emotional barriers and convoluted/conflicted energies and beliefs around money and receiving/allowing. I was slowly, very slowly making progress when, once again, my friend invited me to her ashram and I said yes.
The last time I said yes I ended up canceling the day before I was supposed to go and refused to even try again until this trip. You know how it is, if you are intuitively guided to do something and you choose not to you are given many additional opportunities to do it, one way or the other. Apparently my higher self decided visiting this ashram was the best way for me to do some more shifting and growing.
The day after I said yes I began acting out. I created conflict with my friend, the guru, and began asking my higher self over and over if it was in my highest and best interest to go. The answer was yes each time I asked, even after all the additional meditation and focused inner work I did throughout the week. I also asked my guidance to clarify why I needed to go but I did not receive an answer. I worked with someone to shift the energies of the geographic area in the hopes that would mean I didn’t have to go. I also obsessed over packing and taking my luggage on the plane or checking it in, talked about the trip incessantly, and had a hard time sleeping the whole week before I left. Just aligning myself with my higher self by saying yes and intending on actually going began a whole new level of healing for me. The part of my ego terrified at annihilation really acted out all week. That alone provided many opportunities for healing and shifting.
After all that inner and outer drama the trip to actually get there was anticlimactic. I didn’t sleep much so I was incredibly tired. I think that helped it go more smoothly.
I fell into a kind of routine while I was there. I would eat breakfast in the trailer I was sleeping in then go for a walk on the grounds. After the walk I would spend an hour in the temple praying and meditating, and then go spend 4-5 hours with the guru helping her with whatever she needed. At about 4 pm or so I would go back to my trailer and read or rest, then eat and go back to the guru’s cottage for classes. I was alone a lot and it was perfect. I did spend some time on the phone but not much. I love that the cell phone worked even in remote southern Georgia.
It is a lot different walking in a forest in the quiet than it is on the beach or on the streets in southern California. The only other things moving were the birds and the squirrels (oh and various insects who were too small for me to notice). There were only two other people at the ashram besides the guru and myself and they didn’t walk the land like I did. I could breathe and could allow my energy to expand. I had the space and quiet to commune with the trees and the land. I didn’t realize how much the physical and psychic noise of being surrounded by so many people was irritating me until I spent some time in the quiet.
I still kept asking myself why was I there, why fly all the way across the country for a week. I didn’t get an answer. I also thought my immense tiredness or high blood sugar (the Indian food was very starchy) was the reason I felt like I was in an altered state all week. I know better now. Among many other changes, I relaxed, slowed down and I let go of a lot of stress. I don’t do that very often, so it is quite noticeable when I do.
That first morning when I walked, I did it for exercise. My inner conversation during the walk was still about analyzing my reason for being there and reviewing all the changes I wanted to occur in my every day life. Then I went to the temple. I didn’t know the ‘proper’ way to greet the gods of the temple so I just did what felt right to me. I rang a little bell as I greeted each god represented and asked for clear guidance and help. The first day I heard the laughter of the higher presence(s) in my head and felt my heart open. That is when I began to relax. I received the info that I needed to spend at least an hour at the temple each day for three days to get what I came for. The last day, Thursday, I didn’t need to go as it was going to be a day of integrating. I immediately asked if I could leave on Thursday morning instead of Friday morning and was told no that I needed to be there through early Thursday afternoon. Even on Monday I still had resistance!!
I began the meditation by praying that I would get out of my own way and to allow whatever changes were needed. I thanked all the aspects of god that showed up to help and asked for support and healing for the highest good for all my friends and family. I then went into a deep trance and came out of it about an hour later with no conscious knowing of what happened. However, some intense transformation began. The effects of it got stronger and stronger as the day went on. It was so intense that it was hard for me to enjoy some gardens we went to see. Well, except for the fairy ring we stumbled into. I enjoyed that immensely and played in the energy as long as my companions would let me.
I spent Monday night working with one of the other residents of the ashram energetically in my sleep and woke up very cranky. Admittedly, most of the crankiness had more to do with the grinding of my internal resistance of transformation than anything else. Luckily the guru needed a lot of physical work done that day because the physical exertion helped move some of the stuck stuff inside of me.My time at the temple on Tuesday was similar to Monday. I went into a trance and then woke after an hour. I immediately received the intuitive information that I was allowing all the shifting that I came there to do. I trusted it.
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I wrote that much less actually experienced it. I trusted that I was allowing without any explanation or analysis or information. Another wonderful thing.
While I calmed a bit, I was still not feeling good and thought there was still some resistance going on. I got some help late Tuesday afternoon from someone who is a powerful energy worker (Linda White Dove – see her website www.lindawhitedove.com) to move it along easier. A lot of the emotions coming up were calmed and the places where I still felt some grinding (where energy just felt it couldn’t move) were dissolved.
I have to admit at this point I was still asking myself why I had to come to GA to do this work. All that came to me was that I needed to get out of my familiar environment and be away from so many people. In spite of all the work I did to detach from expectations for the week I guess I still expected some big dramatic answer or shift that would explain the need to go all the way across the country.Given all the choices I had made up to then and the money circumstances I think it was the best way and perhaps even the gentlest on the budget to get me somewhere away from people to do some grounding, relaxing and slowing down, so I could allow a more permanent and prominent shift around my money issues.
Linda and I also did some beautiful work on the Atlantis energy grid, which includes the eastern US (north to south) to the coast and some of the Atlantic Ocean. It lightened up considerably. After the work we did I felt lighter and much calmer and I was really able to appreciate the guru’s classes. She glows when she teaches. You can’t really see that when you watch her online classes but it shines through easily and brightly in person. I was so filled with love and gratitude I thought I would burst out of my body. I was a bit high and it took me a while to get calm so I could sleep.
On Wednesday I took a mindful walk, where I was aware of each step and the energy of each blade of grass and tree or bush I passed. I was more aware of the insects and a few squirrels matched me for part of the walk. The birds chirped at me the whole way around the land. I appreciated the quiet and the cleanness of the earth during the walk this day. It was lovely. THEN I got to make dresses for the goddess statue. I love to sew and it was so much fun to sew sacred clothing with the guru. We made saris and tops – 5 sets. SHEW!!! It was a lot of sewing but she is not used to having someone around who can actually sew so she wanted to take full advantage of it. I went to the temple in the afternoon that day and it was a very different experience than the two other days.
I watched as my integration progressed. I watched split lines of energy knitting them back together.I had conversations with the spirits that showed up, mostly about my own growth and a few people who will be leaving my life soon. I became very aware that I would not have to live at the ashram, that somehow it will all work out financially. I did not get any details but I just knew it would be ok.It was very uplifting. That night I attended two classes and then slept.
Thursday I woke up content. I went directly to the guru’s cottage to continue sewing. About mid morning I began to get very restless so I walked for a long time then returned to sew some more.Then I went to the temple, even though I didn’t have to. It was mid afternoon by then and I was ready to go home. So when I went to the temple I just started praying for everyone I know, including for all the aspects of god that had been helping me all week. I prayed for the guru, for the other people who had visited the ashram, for those who would, be visiting in the future, for my family, for my friends, for my online friends, for my website, for all my clients and for those who will be my clients, for my cat, etc. I danced around in gratitude and happiness. I was glad no one else was around because I felt so happy and uninhibited and wanted to be free to express myself. I also asked for help in healing some chronic conditions my body has adopted and felt a wave of healing energy undulate through me. It was sweet and comforting as well as healing. I felt satisfied with the week and complete with the experience.
The guru wanted to study and meditate before class so I went to my trailer thinking I would read but I ended up sleeping. Then I attended the last class of the week, hugged her good bye and came back to my room to get ready to leave in the morning. The entire trip back was smooth, I even got great seats when I printed the boarding passes the day before.
I had a very strong vision on the first leg of my flight back. I heard a male voice in my head, just as clearly as if there were a man sitting next to me (and there was no one sitting next to me), tell me that I would have a partner in this life and I would be very happy with local friends and community.What a lovely reassurance that was – and there was no way to mistake it or distrust it because it was so clear.
I will write about the following week where much more shifting, growing and knowing occurred in a different blog since this one has gotten so long.
The most immediate result of that week was an ability to be very present. The intense stress I had put myself under to change my patterns and beliefs so I could attract clients and earn some money was gone. I was actually patient with all the waiting at the airports when flying home and was able to thoroughly enjoy dinner with friends even after a trying day of traveling. I was able to be kind to myself the day after I got back and rest all day. I had astounding sessions with clients on Sunday even though I was still tired. And although I will write somewhere else about all the cool visions and processes that have happened to me this past week, I will tell you that I am still fairly calm and grounded and present. I still know deep in my heart that all will be well with me financially etc.
I am grateful I went and hope it is awhile before I need to do something like that again! LOL!!
Part of integrating my spiritual awakening into my every day life is accepting what is and getting used to dashed expectations. I would say getting used to not having expectations but I am not there yet. Before I went to the ashram I tried and focused and intended to release any expectations of my time there and the results that would come after. I was not successful. The truth is I have been disappointed because I wanted definitive and specific answers about certain parts of my life. I felt so stressed, hopeless and directionless before I went. I especially wanted clarity and direction in how to attract enough money to live on and certain other things but the money piece was the strongest). I wanted a big release of some sort and the dramatic reveal (as they say on tv). Last time I visited my monk friend I got very specific direction about moving, and a lot of answers about my health and my dad’s death. I wanted my experience to be like that again.
The answers came in a different way because I have grown and integrated a lot since then, because I am allowing myself to expand beyond duality, and because I am becoming the intuition I used to seek. No longer do I necessarily have the answers show up in my head or hear a voice or psychically see a picture. Now I act according to the perfect alignment of my higher self rather than get the info and then have to choose to act accordingly. Most of the time I automatically think and take action based on that alignment without needing to dissect or analyze it. I am in transition so it isn’t all the time but I do notice the difference.
I even sat down this morning to write about how I didn’t get any answers and I couldn’t do it because it was not true. I have been integrating information since about 4 days BEFORE I went to the ashram all the way through this morning. There seems to be an automatic constant course correction happening within me also to keep me in alignment. My thoughts are even changing. A complaining or worrying thought is instantly followed with the reminder that it isn’t true and then a list of examples of how changes are occurring play out in my head. I am not consciously choosing to correct myself, it is happening.
So no big huge specific instructions about direction came to me such as what to change or what to start (what classes, how to find a job etc). But let me list some other ‘answers’ to give you an idea of what I am talking about. See if this helps you when you are seeking.
1. The stress, panic and worry about money dissipated providing an opening for it to actually manifest in my life.
2. I was given the exact day my integration would be complete 2 weeks ahead of time.
3. I had a vision about my future and what would definitely be included (had nothing to do with money but addressed some other desires).
4. I just knew it was time to find a new home for my cat and the perfect person emailed me within hours. She is coming over this week to meet him.
5. A new client showed up who was referred to me and who has referred 3 new people to me already (in just 4 days).
6. I opened to heal a previously hidden aspect of my food addiction and shame around it.
7. I am able to hear others correcting me and not blast them (a HUGE change). I can calmly evaluate what they say and determine if there is validity or it is just their stuff. I was even able to allow someone to help me who usually triggers me badly. She was the exact right person to help too.
8. I am able to actually relax during the day rather than constantly looking for activities or entertainment to fill up the hours.
9. Through my grief over some information I received during this time about a very close and beloved friend I have been able to address my fears around my ability to create and maintain close friendships in the future.
10. Even when I descend into complaining and the old worrying, I come out of it within a very short time. It does not linger for days.
11. Every day I have been back home has had at least some time where I felt sacred. It is easy to be calm, centered and meditative with that feeling all around me.
So I got plenty of answers. Just in a different way – a more gentle and thorough way.
The truth is that I just don’t care about a lot of things these days. I guess it would be more precise to say that I am trying to get used to the widespread detachment that has occurred as a result of all the processing.
For the past 2.5 months I have been on a very focused journey of bringing all my intensely desired metaphysical changes and expansion into the physical world. I am very happy to see that it seems to be working. I have more clients, I feel like it is time to get out to meet people, I am back walking again, and I am tapping into my inner peace more consistently and effortlessly. There is an interesting side effect that I am also experiencing – a widespread detachment.
For instance, I have a yahoo group (down2earthspiritstuff) where I share channelings I and a few others write as well as occasional articles about my heart opening/spiritual awakening. I have not written a thing in a long while for that group. This month I find that I am not really keeping up with the blogging either. I also am not in a hurry to make any art or do any overt marketing for my business or to look for a job. I am aware that two very dear friends might be leaving this world this year and while I am sad I am not overly traumatized because I am so detached.
The concern began on Friday. Am I distracted or drained, wiped out from all the processing or in denial about what I need to be doing? Was I doing the writing only for marketing purposes or to feed my ego? Seriously, am I fooling myself because I don’t feel inspired or driven to do much of anything these days? How do I make myself do anything when I am this detached to any outcome at all?
I am expecting inspired action to happen, i.e. action born from intuition or wisdom. Overall there isn’t much of that happening either – or so it seems to me. I don’t have any answers – just wondering today about it all. Since I don’t feel guilty about it all or anxious I don’t see any point in doing anything differently. I just find my mind trying to worry it a bit because it is a new pattern of living for me. I also think we all have periods of ‘down’ time when it is not prudent to do anything, to make any decisions or take actions towards new goals (or to even have goals). Sometimes when the shifts are big or deep it takes time to fully detach from old patterns/actions/events/internet activities and sometimes that period of detachment is important to provide metaphysical (and physical) room for the new possibilities and activities. Also my hunch – not sure if it is a knowing yet – is that I have laid the foundation for a lot of movement in my physical every day life and now I need to be still so it catches up with me.