For as long as I can remember I have been whining that I want the transitions due to my spiritual evolution to be easier. I have prayed, asked and demanded. I chose over and over to release all the drama. Now that I have a very obvious example, I am resisting!!!
As I have written before I have a part time job now and much about the job is perfect. It sure fits the list of what I wanted in a part time job, especially the amount of income I earn from it. However, it puts me right smack in the middle of lower vibrational energy for 5 hours a day (it was 6 hours but I reduced it), 5 days a week. I have been receiving messages clearly and distinctly for over a week to give notice but I haven’t been able to do it because I am afraid that I cannot create the necessary additional income (or more) with my own business or that I can find another part time job that will be at a vibration high enough for me to be comfortable.
I have been struggling with following these intuitive messages because they are just declarative sentences (and because I don’t trust my manifesting skills). I haven’t felt the rush of the need to change nor do I hate the job. I get along with everyone there and the job keeps me busy, some parts of it are actually fun. In short, there is no drama about it. When there has been drama I respond fast but I have been sitting with this even though the messages are strong.
On Thursday the pressure to quit was turned up. A new person was hired who is very loud. Then another one was interviewed who may be hired who wears very strong perfume which I am allergic to. Both things can be remedied with loving conversation but it is obvious the circumstances are becoming less and less comfortable, not to mention that I am finding myself a bit more irritated each day at being there. So I guess this is where my resistance is creating an increase in the drama that I have been familiar with.
I have also been exploring my inner self to be sure that the messages to quit were not coming from my ego not wanting to work this kind of job but all I can find is that the lower vibration energy is harsh on me. This is a clear example where the practical, every-day choice is conflicting with higher dimensional living.
So here I have been asking for it to be easy and now that it is, I am resisting. There has not been any drama around the need to quit; it simply isn’t the right energy for me. What a lovely example of how things can be and a beautiful lesson for me. And I am quitting on Monday.
I use all sorts of patterns to distract me from what is really going in inside of me. If fear is coming up I might pretend to get out of control with my eating habits, or obsess about money or what my business is (or may not be) doing. Lately I have been distracting myself by focusing on the lower vibration energy of the job I took to ease my money worries.
Yes, it would be in my highest and best interest to not be in such a place each day yet my highest and best interest was clashing with the very practical need to attract enough money to live in this physical world comfortably RIGHT NOW. The truth is it was a simple decision to stick with the job or leave it but I was blowing it out of proportion because of some intense fear that I thought was about the job interfering with my passion – assisting people in their spiritual awakening and being able to continue my own intense spiritual evolution.
I had a big breakthrough on Saturday that once again made me realize that much of the ‘stuff’ I was going through over the past month or so was in reaction to some pretty intense fear of what my next level of spiritual awakening might bring and had nothing to do with the job at all. I was reminded of a particular process to address whatever fear is coming up without needing to know the details while working with two clients. It makes it easier to process through the fears. Isn’t it wonderful how my clients can teach me and remind me of who I am and what I already know while I am assisting them?
While using that process I was able to embrace and address the fears that have been so strong within me and move through them. I then moved into a deeper awareness of my true self and integrated more of my true or higher self into my consciousness and body. It was only then that I came to know that the struggles over the past month have been in reaction to this fear that wanted to heal.
I woke up in peace today. Yesterday I woke up still processing, but today I am calmer and more peaceful. I have chosen to stay with the part time job for now and I am moving forward with offering classes locally while researching how to do it online. Everything seems effortless after I am able to stop resisting the natural flow of my spiritual evolution.
Sometimes your higher self nudges you to do things or make choices that are perfect for your spiritual growth but may seem very scary or disappointing for your every day life if you are not in an accepting or trusting place.
Today I launched a new website but the day my web designer mentioned changing it to take advantage of new software that allows me a greater degree of control I stressed out so badly my body shut down for a day or two. It felt right, I really wanted it but the opportunity hit the same day I had to pay rent, the same day the last little bit of money came in to be ABLE to pay rent. I wasn't sure if I could afford to pay to change my site.
But I am committed to trusting in the midst of fear when my intuitive guidance is so strong. So I now have a redesigned, beautiful website that reflects me better AND the money came from a cleaning job and a donation by a fabulous friend. I also know I needed this redo in order to handle the future of my business.
There are times I am guided to cancel a trip or distance from an acquaintance or take a part time job I really don't want. I do it because the guidance seems strong. Usually there is a second reason that is not obvious. It is true that I will be able to make changes faster and it is also true that the energy of my website needed to change and will carry me through the next level of my business. BUT more than that, it was a great exercise in healing some deep fear around money. The jobs have given me money when I need it and they have also helped to bring up other issues that need addressing (different ones with each job).
So back to trusting.
In order to counteract the effects a job is having on my energy, and to heal some issues around scarcity that are up, I go to the beach every day and pray with the ocean energy. I live about 4 blocks as the crow flies from the beach anyway but somehow actually being at the beach and seeing the ocean makes a difference.
First I sit quietly as my body relaxes and my psyche begins to respond, then I expand my awareness to interact with the consciousness of the ocean herself. My vibration raises and it becomes much easier to commune with my higher self/soul. The combination of feeling my higher self easier with the ocean energy is fabulous. This energy soothes me everywhere I am jagged, fills in all the holes, and reassures the worries/anxieties/fears. I am fully present. It is amazing how calming and relaxing that is.
I am grateful for this support. I am finding the constant nearness of such lower vibration energies kind of grates on me. It is, however, doing a beautiful job of triggering every single emotion/energy within me that has not completely moved into the higher frequencies.
Tonight I sit here in total awe and gratitude for god and me. I am in touch with satisfaction, calmness, inner peace and joy. At this moment I accept myself EXACTLY as I am. I think it is a miracle because:
I am still bigger than most say I should be (in spite of releasing 60 lbs over the years).
I am older than most think is attractive.
My body doesn’t conform to what is considered attractive either.
I dress for comfort, not for fitting in.
I am poorer than most say is comfortable.
I am more unconventional in my spiritual beliefs than most say is appropriate.
I am so grateful for the part time job I just quit. It was a struggle for me to be there from the very beginning. I thought I chose not to heed my highest and best good and took the job for practical reasons: I needed to ease my financial distress in both my emotional state and with my actual income. Really, I kept getting intuitively that it wasn’t in my highest and best good to take it (over and over, ad nauseum).
Yet, I applied one day, interviewed the next, and within 2 hours was offered the position. Every aspect of it met my requirements but one –work that meant something to me. It turns out that is the only requirement that really matters, but the job fulfilled other needs. It kept me busy during a time of deep internal transition and I got to see how much I have changed in the way I reacted to other people’s stuff (both the people I work with and those I was trying to sell to). I like who I am right now and I enjoyed the people I worked with. Obviously this job was divinely created and was perfect to meet my temporary needs.
Sometimes the bigger shifts are so fast and so deep you can’t describe them to anyone else – much less write a blog about them. I have had a week like that. When that happens the day-to-day practical spirituality is the answer for me.
If I am feeling overwhelmed I just ask God for help. If I am feeling anxious I imagine giving it all to God. I pray in the mornings for spiritual help in staying aligned with my higher self and open to the guidance that comes for me that day. I usually also ask for help with whatever problem my mind has conjured up for me –real or not (could be for direction in my business, could be what to do about increasing my income, could be anything). Throughout the day as the worries crop up again, I pray again. I release the worries over and over and I re-focus on conscious connection with God and what is expansive in my life. If I get angry at or hurt by someone else, I pray for him or her, then I pray for help in changing my energy so I don’t have to be triggered by that person or anything he/she says again (sometimes I pray for the courage to walk away from that person if that is what my intuitive guidance suggests).
We have an interesting image of lightworkers and healers in that we expect their lives to be wonderful or, at the very least, that they handle all adversity with grace, serenity and acceptance. There are now some law of attraction advocates out there saying or writing that they are positive all the time (or are trying to indicate that with their words).
God bless them all.
I am not like that – in case you hadn’t noticed from reading any thing I write. I am an effective healing facilitator and teacher and I have my ups and downs like every one else. I share all my emotions although in my every day life they are not at all that dramatic anymore, mostly. I do my best to approach each and every circumstance from an open, sacred place of being but sometimes when the fear is so great I slip. Since I am committed to the deepest, most thorough integration of my light body/soul/higher self as is possible, fear comes up for healing a lot. I let myself dwell in it to the point of forgetting (even momentarily) that all is well and whatever is being created by the fear, or by the fear coming to the surface for healing, will be all right too.
It is not always comfortable or pleasing where my intuition guides me. Sometimes I ignore it for years because I just don’t want to do what my higher self tells me. However, as we all know, if you ignore it too long things get worse and worse until you have to pay attention.
I spent last year looking for a job. I knew I needed more income but I didn’t want to start another business that I was going to have to work my butt off with and have it go nowhere. See the inherent assumptions there? I finally got a job and within a week my intuition tried to push me out because it was not the right thing for me – it wasn’t a good match for me energetically or with my purpose here on earth.
God spoke to me through a few other people with a suggestion for a second business for me, over the past year and a half. As I wrote earlier, I didn’t want to do it. Then a few weeks ago it came to me AGAIN through someone who barely knew me. This time I finally listened. I woke up two mornings later with the business name and put an ad on Craigs list. I got clients right away – before I even had time to think of what I would charge or what my time or physical boundaries would be. Now I am swamped and struggling with balancing my schedule. It happened easily and I have been blessed with some clients who are enthusiastic about my skills, and who pay promptly and with integrity. It was the right thing at the right time, manifested without any resistance.
I have been doing some interesting healing this week.
1. The use of pain to feel alive – I came into this world with the underlying belief that my needs will not be met and I chose parents who fulfilled that belief. I handled it by withdrawing. Sometimes the withdrawal was so intense that I was barely aware of myself. I felt numb. I learned that to feel alive I needed to feel pain. Because of so much healing work I have accomplished and allowed I was able to let that belief go this past weekend. I was able to allow the inner emotional sorrow of how that has negatively affected my life go too. Now I have addressed the hopelessness and victim energy many times before and using pain to let myself rest or get attention. But this is the first time I realized that one of the ways I felt alive – even as a baby – was through pain. Letting that go and accepting that I no longer need to withdraw has changed a lot in my life. I am not eating out of insecurity or because it is the only thing allowed to me for comfort. And that is SOOO weird. I went to a buffet and didn’t even need to control myself or deal with any anger because of what I shouldn’t or couldn’t eat. I am calm even though my spiritual business is in a lull right now. I have no need to strive for more right now. I trust. SHEW!! I have worked hard to get here.
2. Quick on the heels of that healing I had a beautiful vision of my future that was so strong I cried when it faded. THEN the knowing that things are falling into place became very strong. I actually felt tumblers fall into place.