Wallowing for Growth
Don’t you love it when the exact perfect information comes to you at the exact right time? For me it is even more special when it comes from a dear friend who is listening to her intuition and calls me up at night just when I need the support and love. THEN I actually listened and did it today.
I asked what do I need to feel better about me and my life? I wanted to feel more present, more satisfied, happy and calm. Her intuitive answer was to listen to the wind, follow the light and color outside – color mandalas. *She didn’t know I had just bought a book of mandalas to color!!*
So I went where I was guided where I could be surrounded by grass and trees and still see the ocean. It was a sunny warm day and I colored. As I focused on the colors that wanted to be on the page I began paying attention to the world around me.
Instead of just listening to the wind I indulged in it. I let it flow through my energy, I let it surround me through me and I was reminded of gentleness, calmness and compassionate loving. Instead of looking at the sun I wallowed in it. I let it light up my energy and watched old crispy stuff fall out. I felt some old emotions I have been carrying around lighten up and recede and heal. I watched the vastness of the ocean and was reminded of being that vast myself while in a human body. And the trees, those lovely green trees (this IS California) swaying in the wind. They spoke to me of appreciating the earth again, noticing the quiet and sacred beauty.
When I finished coloring I felt full, satisfied, calm and grounded. Very present in my body on earth. EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.
Getting Reconnected or Go Ahead and Miss The Point
Have you noticed how spirit/ your higher self will do its best to get you ‘on track’ if you start down a side path?? It sure happens to me and recently it actually occurred with something enjoyable instead of the usual old painful way.
I have been withdrawing more and more from the ‘spiritual’ side of my life, trying for almost a year to dim the passion I have for assisting others with their spiritual evolution. Interesting how that is when I began to put on weight (duh!!). I got very caught up in the day to day work needed to grow my finances and the work that was doing that had nothing to do with assisting others in their spiritual growth or using the skills I gained from my earlier business career or my many degrees. I was not happy doing it but at least my income was growing and when my car broke down I could get a loan for a new one (and a credit card for the new compute I had to purchase recently). I have tried over and over to balance and blend my spiritual awareness with what I feel I have to do to make money but I do not feel very successful at it.
I continued to work on myself to allow myself to integrate more of my higher knowing into my physical awareness. That only made the gap bigger. But OOOH when I did get to work with people it was magical and more and more powerful.
I was all excited when it felt like my desire to make fabric art was coming back. I saw mention of the Road to California quilt show and noticed it is only 90 minutes from me and felt called to go. Since I haven’t had a vacation in 4 years I decided to go up the day before, see friends, stay overnight in a hotel (a very nice treat) then go to the show. Or I was led to do that – these days my intuition works differently and what feels like fun and feels right is often my intuition’s guidance.
The bath I was looking forward to was no big deal. (I have been living in other people’s houses for 2.5 years and, except for one time where I paid to take a mineral bath, have not had a long tub soak in all that time. I used to love long soaks). The show I was really looking forward to was too crowded and didn’t really inspire me. So what was the point of the trip?
Well, all the driving and the hotel helped me allow my energy to expand out to where it is more comfortable, and a fantastic conversation about the new way of healing that marries western medical modality with complementary energy healing with an orthopedic surgeon helped me reawaken my passion full force for helping others by ‘reading’ their energy and assisting with their ascension process, especially in their bodies.
THAT was the whole point of the trip. The point wasn’t to inspire me to make fabric art again but to go somewhere that worked to assist me in reconnecting with my passionate purpose in this life (beyond my own experiential inner growth). I do not know how to maintain this connection given how my life is structured now but I guess if I can be guided to re-awaken so easily I can be guided on how to integrate and maintain awareness of it in a more balanced way. At least that is my intention!!
Now that I am practicing loving myself and being the love that I truly am there are a few things I have been guided to give up.
I have given up or am working on giving up:
People who only want to be with me if they feel bad so I will cheer them up.
People who spend every minute with me talking about themselves or their kids.
Listening to others complaining.
Participating in events that don’t feel uplifting to me.
Following through on obligations, real or perceived, that do not serve me.
Forcing things in any way – whether it is a career going nowhere or an old computer that just refuses to work.
Trying to explain anything to people who want to cling to their limiting beliefs and emotions (especially anger).
Pretending to like something or someone or to be something I am not.
Doing whatever it takes to get approval from others.
Hoping for something that I used to perceive as better in the future (I mean, come on, what is better than loving yourself completely?).
Being defensive with angry, pushy, aggressive people.
Finishing books or movies I don’t like.
Eating salads when I want hot, cooked food.
Beating myself up over gaining weight, eating too much food, eating the wrong food, not exercising enough – or anything else I can find (this is a work in progress for sure).
Second guessing myself when I am intuitively guided to tell someone something during a session that I know they don’t want to hear (another work in progress).
Saying bad things to my body in my head (the most intense work in progress).
Birthdays and Holidays. They bring up all sorts of inner beliefs and expectations that are usually hidden but govern our lives anyway. Those beliefs and expectations all get exposed on the ascension path, more so now that the energies are so intensely encouraging (i.e. poking and pushing) us to let them go.
I realized yesterday, on my birthday, that I am still looking for magic on that one day each year that marks the anniversary of my birth. It stems from a horrible childhood that was brightened one day a year when I was celebrated with a cake of my choice, a special dinner and presents. Every family member was there to celebrate me (or pretend to). It was my validation that I could survive everything I put up with the remainder of the year. I felt 'right' and 'whole' that day.
Yesterday, on my birthday, it hit me that I still live life like that. Most of my current life is about doing what is necessary to be halfway comfortable and to serve others, including ‘putting up with’ people that I have attracted into my life just so I won’t feel lonely, following a grueling medication regime to be halfway healthy, and working a job that mostly trashes my body. So if I do not have a great birthday as I define it, with everyone I know wishing me happy birthday and giving me lots of cards/gifts, I feel cheated, angry and depressed.
I guess if I want to be ‘served’ and feted on my birthday that badly I am clearly not totally on board with how I am serving others and the world each day. I also am still looking for validation and love outside of myself. I need balance. The serving needs to come from heartfelt joy and inner full satisfaction. For me that comes from recognizing, remembering and reconnecting with who I truly am – an eternal flow of energy while in this body.
I have been loving myself in a committed and continuous way for a few months now and this is one of the inner beliefs/expectations that used to be in the way of that love fully integrating and being lived. I am very happy this awareness came to my consciousness and that I KNOW these beliefs and the accompanying long-held emotions are healing. Happy Birthday to me!!
So apparently it isn’t just relationships that don’t work that fall away as you come back to yourself in this crazy ascension process. I began focusing on loving and accepting myself more last September (of 2013) and was intuitively guided to make several changes for my health. Over the next year a major positive change also happened with part of the way I make a living. This past October I began deliberately connecting with loving myself each and every time I get annoyed, angry, anxious and resentful. I also radiate love out to situations and people involved in helping me bring up those emotions. The results have been very interesting. I certainly didn’t think I would see results so fast but I have.
My spiritual healing facilitation business has revived, I am more easily setting boundaries around people that I would previously have lowered my energy to help (i.e. commiserate with), and two very expensive items left my life. Both my car and my computer had to be replaced. There wasn’t a lot of warning (to be fair -there was some but nothing that made it seem as if replacement had to be immediate, until it had to be) or any drama. And the replacement items and method of obtaining them both were drama free; another lovely side benefit of all this love.
Both the car and the computer were bought during times of deep depression, anger and self-loathing. I never liked the car but was too afraid to get anything better because of the costs and because I am not sure I thought I was allowed to have a better car. I chose the specific computer I did to work with someone easily on a major accounting project that was promised, started then yanked from me unceremoniously. I had leftover negative feelings around both objects. Once I started loving myself I couldn’t continue using these objects.
I am finding some low level anxiety and negativity just gone now that these items have been replaced and because they were replaced so fast and easy. It helps me appreciate how much I have changed and living everyday life easier.
Are you getting guidance or signs that you don’t believe or are coming to you in such a different way than they used to that you don’t recognize them? I have been asking for a sign or clear guidance as to where to go next or what to focus on in my everyday life for a little while now. Many of my clients are doing the same. I know I am in the middle of a huge upgrade and some seemingly unending fine tuning energetically but I don’t wait well. I have been wondering if I am missing the sign or the ‘call’ since I haven’t noticed one. Again, many of my clients, and a few friends, are doing the same. Well maybe I got one last night in the most interesting way.
I dreamt I was cleaning out a storage area in preparation for moving. There were two other people there – one was also cleaning out her stuff and the other was there to harass me on everything she thought I had of hers or used that I should pay for. When I was almost done I received a call from someone who sounded like Morgan Freeman telling me the white house wanted me to write a book and could I have it ready by Thanksgiving. I was a little freaked out in the dream and asked a book about what? And where did this come from? I do not remember getting an answer other than asking again if I would write it. I said yes, hung up and then really freaked out.
Here I am awake and wondering was that my sign? And what the heck am I going to write about? But I am open and willing. So I guess I will spend some time writing and see what comes out. I am not sure I could get a clearer sign than that.
Sometimes your growth process looks like you have come to a full stop. That is usually when either the deepest integration is going on or the deepest release. Even if it seems like it goes on forever we need these times of seemingly nothing going on too. I have been undergoing immense inner changes, as have MANY of you all. It looks like an increase in my outside ‘other’ work I do to earn income. It also looks like an increased focus on mundane events and things.
Yes I reacted to that. I got scared and upset that my life seemed to be going that way instead of continuing to be full of fun, spiritual magic and visions. But now that I am into it a few more months I am finding the magic shows up without any drama. The magic is integrated into the mundane now – there is no separation. Part of me is let down a bit because I thought my whole life would become the magic I experienced once in a while when reaching blissed states. I didn’t realize that when my higher self integrated more into the physical, the physical becomes the magic. There is no drama about it, no special moments that are obvious and separate from other moments. It becomes one long stream of sacredness.
When my inner child calmed down enough to notice, I embraced the everyday magic and my life began flowing better. I am more confident that the changes I would like to see in my life will occur even while handling the way my life actually is a lot easier (and with less frustration – YAY). I also talk to my spirit more and pray a lot more. It seems natural.
We can sum up all the intense inner and outer shifts in consciousness as a return to love. We are jettisoning everything that has kept us from recognizing acceptance and love in all its forms. Before I began learning to love myself I would spend a lot of time fantasizing about what I might do if I won the lottery as a way to escape my everyday life. I spent so much time in these day dreams that I disconnected from my life and it became more and more intolerable.
But as myconsciousness has expanded, my self-love has grown and so has my confidence and my connection to my self-worth. I am not as resistant to my life and my attitude has changed dramatically. There have been some minute improvements in my physical life but overall it is mostly just a perception shift.
However, I am finding some of the very things I used to fanatasize about are now a part of my life. For instance, I used to dream of being able to pay for a personal trainer and that I would take time to really work out to assist in the healing of my body. Then I was guided to join the local YMCA last December and am now learning to exercise gently as often as I can, even when I am dead tired and working too hard to make enough money. Part of my fantasy also included always having lots of flowers around. I love flowers and seeing them makes me smile. I noticed in the past month that I have started buying flowers at a local discount place. Having them in my room lifts my spirits.
I would have told you I could not afford these things but I really think that was just an excuse because I didn’t think I was worth the effort. Yes, it all costs money and there are months when I feel I am working just to pay the rent and for these things (plus a car repair bill that just never seems to go down). It can get weary if I focus on that. Today I am focusing on how I am manifesting the more important things I used to fantasize about all the time – without winning the lottery. I am calmer in my life more accepting overall and doing these things to support myself have made a difference in my ability to continue my spiritual evolution.
The more you love yourself, the more limiting and coping patterns release.
You know how you can tell if you have released an emotional or behavioral coping pattern? Pay attention to how you react to even the small stuff. If even a tiny vestige of that emotional/behavioral pattern shows up you have not healed it yet. Seems like that would be obvious but it is easy to be in denial. These patterns show up in all our interactions.
I just had my 'people pleasing UH OH what did I do wrong stuff' show up when someone unsubscribed from my blog mailing list!!! There are a million reasons that could be possible as to why he unsubscribed but my first reaction was 'what did I do wrong?". I am allowing healing now.
Healing the "feeling wrong and needing to please people" aspects of my personality seem to be up for me right now. It goes along with loving myself thoroughly, which is part of this phase of my spiritual evolution (or maybe it is the main reason for it). So I am really noticing it in all aspects of my life. I am sure you are experiencing something similar with your own coping/inner patterns. I must be super ready to change this because it is being shown to me over and over, in every relationship and in all my thought patterns. So I am noticing how systemic and deep it is, focusing on healing it each time it becomes obvious and then moving right into additional self-love.
I am being guided to change: to erect and maintain boundaries, to love myself more, to enjoy myself more and to value myself enough to say no more often no matter what others’ reactions are. Progress seems to me to be very slow but the process goes hand in hand with opening to the true me in my spiritual evolution.
I have been too accommodating. I have been so willing to drop everything I am doing to help my friends, or do what they want to do. I put off my own activities to sit on the phone and talk. I even cancel much needed jobs to visit when they want to. I once almost flew across the country because a family member wanted it even though I was running a high fever and couldn’t breathe very well. So I get my feelings hurt a lot when they only want to fit me in their schedules when it is convenient for them, unwilling to rearrange even minor errands to see me after I drive for a few hours to visit, and when they get very angry at me when I must take care of myself (as in the case of cancelling the cross country flight because I was too sick to fly).
Do I need new friends? Do I need my own boundaries? YES
You know how it is - when it is time to change, your higher self ramps up the opportunities to do so. You will have a new boss that is the embodiment of all you are trying to let go of, your friends’ behaviors will become more obvious and irritating (or hurtful), or you might react stronger to everything. You make different choices, and then you react. I shook for almost an hour at one point last week after telling someone I would no longer make anything for her (jewelry, art). My actions were based on me wanting her approval and love and some underlying fear that she wouldn’t love me just for me. She had her own expectations. We communicated about it and worked it out but my reaction was waaay strong considering what was happening because I was changing deep patterns that don’t fit me at higher vibrational living.
All relationships in my life that are not based on mutual and clear love and respect are changing or dissolving. Some days I am ok with that, some days I am panicked!!! Once again, more opportunities to love myself even more.