Spiritual evolution doesn’t occur in a straight line or only with sunshine and flowers. Sometimes you go through a lot of emotional turmoil while you are realizing the old way isn’t working and release long held beliefs and emotions to allow a new way of being. I am very aware of these emotions every step of the way. I am sharing my inner thought/emotional process because my intuition tells me to, but also in the hopes that any who read this will be kinder to themselves and others going through anything like this. Besides, sometimes my stream of consciousness amuses people!!
‘You just need a breakthrough and wonderful worlds will be available to you.’ I am paraphrasing but this is what someone recently said to me during a very frustrating time when I reached out for help and she answered. I immediately recognized the truth of the words in the midst of everything we were talking about, I just had no idea how to make it happen (or allow it).
Ever since I left my executive job in 1999, I have felt I was destined to help people on a big scale. Then when nothing happened, and I actually lost more than I gained year after year (friends, money, ideas, my health, beliefs, etc.), I decided it was my ego not my intuition telling me that. Then just as I thought I had resigned myself to a small life barely eking out a living and helping people when I could, people began telling me they could intuitively feel or just knew all kinds of abundance was around me just waiting for me to believe and to break through the last block. We are talking years that people have been telling me this, and it still hasn’t happened.
I have released, opened, changed, affirmed, embraced, meditated and tried all sorts of other techniques (too many to list) and it still hasn’t happened. I still have hope and I still follow my intuition the best I can, but I am still doing a lot of odd jobs that mean nothing to me to earn money and renting rooms in other people’s houses where I have no space (and not much privacy) of my own .
Now I am not going to stop helping people move along in their spiritual growth because that is who I am and I cling to hope although the piece of it that I am holding on to gets smaller and smaller.
It took me 5 years to get to the place of having enough piecemeal work to earn an income. I didn’t have the luxury of holding out for what makes my heart sing or waiting for the fabulous life I was envisioning to actually materialize (good thing, because it still hasn’t).
How do you break through any block when you have tried everything that comes along that you can afford and that your intuition has led you too? When you know that there is a block because so many intuitive people tell you there is and tell you they can feel the very things you want in your energy field? When I can feel those wonderful things so strongly that I cannot accept where I am, how things are now, no matter how much I surrender and embrace my ego.
Well here’s how I handle it. I cuss at God for a while, I gripe about bringing people to me to torture me with the very thing I cannot seem to do. I remember that if I don’t change my inner emotions nothing changes and use that to make me feel better. I use that to try to have patience – to believe it will happen someday. Truth is I HAVE NO IDEA how to make it happen. Those exercises everyone suggests don’t work with me. They don’t ring true to me – either because they are not the right thing or my ego is in the way.
I ALLOW I ALLOW I ALLOW. Make it happen.
I don’t want to chase any ‘cure’ or change just to get money, but I want to balance my outer physical life with my inner spiritual life. When I feel connected to the divine I am so happy, satisfied and expanded. I am in love. But the state of my life interferes – there is so much I do not like. I get I am responsible and I need to make changes to create something different but I have tried so many things and it gets just a teeny tiny bit better (sometimes). I cannot maintain a positive attitude, a grateful attitude, and a loving attitude when I have so many things I do not like in my life and so many that I think I want NOT in my life.
I am better than I used to be – less angry, less judgmental, even financially better - and still do not have what I want. That crap of saying affirmations, just change how you feel, or focusing exclusively on what you want doesn’t/hasn’t worked for me. The only thing that worked monetarily was being willing to take jobs doing stuff I don’t care about and, in some cases, hurt. So yes, I have more money coming in than I used to but still not enough to live comfortably and not doing enough of what is my passion.
And that is another thing. I thought my passion is helping others in their spiritual growth. Although after this rant I am not sure anyone would believe I could do that. I am DAMN good at it. Really. But not so good at helping myself create a comfortable, enjoyable life. As I write this I am aware that I am not angry – just sort of resigned to it; not quite accepting or I wouldn’t be ranting.
So I am back to the beginning – HOW DO I CHANGE THIS? OR how do I allow the change to happen. What needs to be different?
What if nothing needs to be different? What if I have done the work to get there and it IS happening just slower than I expected or wanted? Or what if it is going to look differently than I and others think? What if all the words others tell me are from their filters and really have nothing to do with me? I sure hope that is the case because I have no idea what else to do.
After writing all of this I kept focusing on loving myself, on allowing. I didn’t know what else to do. I talked to others to get help but nothing was resonating except for additional messages to love myself more. The pressure inside of me built and built. Then one day at dusk looking at the moon and the ocean a wave of dizziness past through me. I stepped from one level of being into another (as if a veil was lifted) and felt it viscerally, not the usual way I process. For the 4 days that have passed after that happened I have noticed that the inner victim energy (of feeling punished because I have to do or be around so much I don’t like) is gone. I haven’t been getting angry at my circumstances or beating myself up about them. My outer life didn’t change but my attitude did and I like being calmer. All the frustration in the earlier part of this rant is gone. Some of the thoughts are still there but the emotional charge is gone, so the thoughts can leave too.
I guess the frustration had to reach a certain point in order for me to allow the internal change that was next, or some part of me believed that so it is what happened. Once this happened it opened the door for much more growth and awareness and I was able to connect with a very advanced soul who helped me with an incredible breakthrough and blossoming that I will write about in a future blog.
Recently I was not feeling great – lots of internal worry, irritation and restlessness. I forget EACH AND EVERY time that this state of being usually foretells a big shift within me and desperately wanted some ease and help from others. I reached out to Facebook for some help as none of my acquaintances or friends where available either physically or emotionally (all in perfect accord but still annoying at the time).
I received back so much love. It was a beautiful thing and I am convinced it helped me relax enough to focus on what was going on within me to allow the shift to the next level of beingness. One person even imagined me in an incubator of love, isn’t that great?
I was re-reminded however to pay attention to the core pieces of info and ignore all the advice that people felt necessary to tack on. Three different people told me in one way or another that I needed to love myself more. Not one gave me any way to do this that fit for me. One person was honest enough to say she didn’t know how but the other two had very specific exercises that worked for them. I even asked one if she was receiving intuitive info that it would actually work for me (it didn’t seem so but wow it had certainly worked for her in a beautiful way).
What I do know for me is that change has to come from within. It doesn’t work to use my will to change behavior if the inner energies/beliefs/emotions do not back it up. I know some people can do this, I cannot (and yes I have tried and tried). So after the third time of hearing this I finally was able to let go of some of the frustration I felt at what I perceived as the lack of help, and begin opening within to the love that I am. I have a long way to go to knowing I love myself but after a few days I was able to connect with the one person in my life who always helps me breakthrough. I am not sure I would have been ready had I not listened to the truth of what people were saying rather than their personality’s need to share what they believe might work.
I am finally being myself and honest about it to others. I find they think I am just snapping!! LOL!!
The more I grow spiritually and emotionally, the less I need to sublimate myself to others' wishes, needs, rules or expectations. Instead of feeling resentful I now just tell them no. I try to be more tactful than I used to be but I still do it. I am in the phase of being rather alone right now because of this deep change. I am also in the phase of discovering myself - who I am without constantly adjusting to others. It is interesting, and sometimes disturbing, to find out how little I know of my own desires when I am not responding to others emotions, needs or energies.
Some things remain - I still LOVE flowers, the color pink, comfort and blowing soap bubbles- but some have hanged - I have a hard time finding things to read even though I use to be a voracious reader, I like to take my time throughout the day instead of rushing like I used to, I do not like anger or to be around it, I don't go along anymore just to get along, I don't get upset just because others around me are upset, I can barely stand to watch tv, I wear what I want no matter what others think I should be wearing, I am having difficulty in engaging in the art forms I used to love, I can barely buy groceries for more than a day or two at a time because I have no idea what I will want in a few days time, AND I no longer want to spend time with people just to be taking up time. I also do not like or want to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - seem barbaric to me even though I definitely could use more money.
Each day I am rediscovering what delights me. What would you be like if you let your true self emerge? I am finding that out day by day.
No. No. Feel how that trips off the tongue. Imagine how it is to tell someone calling you to offer you a job – NO – because it is not the right thing for you. No worries about money, status, building your business, or anything else. All you do is check in with your inner guidance and realize it is not the right thing for you. Exhilarating isn’t it??
What if it is that easy? What if you MUST do this in order to make room in your energy and life for the perfect next job for you?
I had two different people call me this past week to offer me cleaning jobs in huge houses. Both paid decent but my energy has changed and building a cleaning business does not resonate with me. It was very, very hard to say no, but I did. The very next day someone else offered me a job making less money but much more in line with my energy. I am assuming there will be more along those lines as time goes on. When I am aligned with my higher purpose this IS how easy income flow can be.
Someone recently told me my energies are scattered when I asked why I cannot manifest what I want. I have heard that before even though I still couldn’t find/feel what they were referring to.
So a couple of nights ago I asked for all the scattered energies to come back, to be cleansed and refocused. I asked for appropriate energetic and emotional detachment from everyone that I have ever been angry with, guilty about, or hurt by. I was very clear on the few things on which I wanted to focus. I then slept very well until about 4 am when I woke up feeling as if something was moving back into my body, as if some part of me decided to return. I opened very quickly to a lot of higher vibration energy that left me shaking for hours.
I also knew right away I had to go back to the book I abandoned writing 3 years ago but add back in the intimate details of my life that I had deliberately not included. Now I am trusting that this opening and subsequent integration will allow me clarity on when and what to write while I am also working to earn income.
In this post eclipse time we are being guided to what is true for the more authentic self of each of us. It could be back to something that you used to do or know was right for you but got sidetracked from because you needed to clear or expand more (or had to put it aside to make money). It could also be something abruptly new that you never even thought of or still have fears around.
I have a friend who is going back to her artistic roots. This is something that came up over and over in channelings for her over the past 2 years but she is now ready to re-embrace it. I am being guided to go back to the book I gave up writing 3 years ago. It is a surprise to me because I thought the whole purpose of writing was just for my own inner healing. However, I woke up today knowing it was time to focus on writing this book again. I also know I have to be intimately honest about my reactions/actions/emotions in the book and that is bringing up a lot of fear. My friend is feeling very vulnerable about her choice also.
So it is for many lightworkers (not all, but many). What appears to be an abrupt change in direction or guidance is really our ability to finally and clearly know what is true for us, and to allow ourselves to embrace it out loud. No more hiding, obfuscating, diffusing or distracting. All that scouring out of inner issues and beliefs had a purpose!! We are not used to exposing that inner true self so openly but it IS the way of the higher dimensional living into which we are all moving. As we get used to being that authentic in our everyday lives we will eventually not be able to imagine any other way of living.
Like many of you I am very sensitive to the energy around me. I am often reacting to it long before I understand what is going on. Usually, as soon as I stop to tune in to the energy I am able to quell any extreme reactions; that is IF I can stop to tune in.
I just moved from a place where I was so crazed about needing it to be clean and quiet – two things it was not. My new place is actually MUCH dirtier (years of dirt rather than just 4-5 months) and I am not feeling pushed to clean it all right now. The housemate’s door to her bedroom is very loud when it shuts and I notice it but do not react much. If you knew me, you would know that is a big change for me.
What IS different is the energy of the woman who owns the house and her boyfriend. I don’t feel the need to clean up their energy on any level so I don’t feel the need to distract from that by compulsively cleaning her house. Additionally, my psychic nerves are not being violated by someone in the house (as happened in the previous place) so I am calmer and more grounded.
Now I didn’t fully realize what was creating all the inner stress when I lived in the old place until I got into the new place. I had hints and I thought I had been successful at repelling the violating energy but I needed deal with it every day and I didn’t. So even though the housemates here are warm, caring and much more self-responsible, the real issue is that no part of me is reacting negatively to their energy.
I am so thrilled I have changed enough to attract this into my life and to re-remember it is ALWAYS about the energy (either within me or outside of me).
I once had a dream where I was under the ocean and couldn’t come up for air. It occurred to me in the dream that I must be there for a reason and I should just begin to breathe in the water, instead of pushing against the situation to change it. I remember the joy when I realized I could breathe under water. I had already changed but didn't know it because my mind was still expecting things to be the same. It was a watershed (pun intended) moment in my spiritual awakening.
I reused this immediate acceptance of my circumstances during a recent rather stressful search for a new place to live. I discovered the stress was actually due to the healing of a very deeply held fear about being homeless and belief that if I had a lot of money and could afford a nice place something or some people would attack me and take it away. I stopped one day in the middle of my search and breathed in the fear. I went deeper and I totally accepted that fear. Funny, it began healing as soon as I stopped running from it.
Breathe the fears in. Pretend to trust enough to allow and know your own inner magic will be fabulous at healing them and embracing YOU!!
It is funny how our reality is so governed by our perceptions. My reality is that I have too much stuff. As I have been packing to move I have been trying to whittle down my stuff to fewer boxes. Someone else, listening to me describe the volume of my stuff, told me I didn’t have that much. After she said that I began looking at my belongings differently and realized I was frantically trying to make it easier to move and fit into other people’s living spaces.
Now mind you, I have three pieces of bedroom furniture (bed – no fancy frame, small Bombay chest of drawers, and a narrow book shelf), 2 floor lamps, a floor fan, and maybe 23 small boxes of belongings plus some large garbage bags filled with pillows and bed linens. THAT IS IT!! I recognized that in trying to make it easier for me to take smaller and smaller rooms in other people’s homes or apartments I was viewing my meager belongings as too much. I wanted to make sure I didn't cause any problems by having too much stuff. I have now adjusted my perception.
Today I found myself revisiting the thought I have been carrying around about how fat and unattractive I am. Maybe that too is just a skewed perception that can be changed.
When the inner deep still small intuitive voice says make a change – do it. Go beyond the emotional reaction and the mental gymnastics. You can deal with all of that after you make the change.
I have been wrangling with a decision about leaving the place I live in. I do not want to be running away from something because my ego is in self-righteous mode or because I am getting triggered by a particular person’s behaviors. I want to transcend all of that and grow from it. I actually gave notice on May 1 and then went into doubt. I had discussions with two of the three housemates and felt even more insecure with my decision. I had the best, most peaceful afternoon at the place while everyone was gone and went over and over how much I liked the location and the room I have.
Finally I sat down in the middle of all these thoughts and reactive emotions and went inside. I went deep and expansive enough to go beyond the thoughts and emotions and I asked if it was in my highest and best interest to leave.
The answer was immediate, calm and definitive. YES it was time to move for my growth. No other reason. That is good enough for me and I am now enjoying a greater measure of inner peace.