Two days ago I was feeling very peaceful about finally letting go of the resistance, which had been building up for a few months, to allow the intuitive guidance to move to come to consciousness. Yesterday the fear and anxiety hit.
Now keep in mind along with the intuitive guidance about this move came intuitive reassurance about how it would be different than the others, how I would be supported and it would be easier. Also, I wouldn’t be moving for another 6 months, giving me plenty of time to line everything up. Apparently my mind and little inner child decided they (we, I) don’t believe that. Yes, even as I write that I am aware of the absurdity of picking and choosing which part of the intuitive guidance I decide to believe, and the fact that I still have doubt after all these years, but I guess it is an opportunity to heal some more inner fears and release long held beliefs.
I thought when I moved to southern CA that I would be here the rest of my life. Then I went deeply into some inner healing and expansion that changed everything. Now I know I moved to CA partly because I couldn’t accept that I would not be creating a spiritual healing business in this life and I needed a break in my environment to grow into that understanding, and to accept that my focus here on earth is about enlightenment only - not getting a partner, not having a certain way of earning income, not having a certain number of friends etc. Those relationships and circumstances may occur but they are not my focus no matter how much I want them to be. My path for that seems to involve total focus on a lot of conscious growth and integration, rather than doing it in the background while I try to have a life similar to those around me.
Then the wondering about this move started rumbling around inside of me– is this just like the other moves? Will I get there, get comfortable with being there, finally get some income flowing and then have to move somewhere else? Is it a move just to stimulate more growth and I will move through acquaintances and relationships just like I have in the past, and then be guided to move again? Is this just my ego talking because I am feeling rather stuck and bored (i.e. done) with Southern CA? How can I move this time with no financial resources to make it happen like I had for the other moves and when I am so tired from trying to scrape up jobs to survive here? I can’t tell from the emotional and energetic place I am in now. I am hoping my upcoming visit to the new area will help me out with some of these answers. What I do know is that if such a large part of me is happy about moving and feels in alignment with it, and it is, and I choose NOT to move because of the fear, which I can do, then things where I am now will get harder and harder until I make the choice that brings me back into alignment with my higher purpose/good.
After a restless night during which I took a lot of Rescue Remedy (Bach Flower Essences that REALLY help me ease emotional turmoil), I am
more accepting today; not necessarily back to being at peace, but more accepting. The funny thing is that I knew I have been obsessing about the new area since September, but I didn’t put it all together because I was conjuring up this fantasy that I would only move after I met a partner and it must be that he had a house there. When I got over that, and, with the help of several healers and more Bach Flower Essences, I was able to clearly understand my intuitive guidance.
So my prayer today is for acceptance, alignment with my commitment to deep integration of my higher self and receptiveness – so I will be open to all the support that is already lined up for me.