So it turns out that no matter how much you think you know what drives certain circumstances or relationship behaviors in your life, sometimes it takes a while before it clicks enough that you can actually change that energy. One of the issues I was urged to purge this past week has to do with the reason I rehearse all kinds of angry thoughts in my head. I would be angry at someone for how I thought I was treated but I didn’t say anything at the time, thinking it was just me and I would breathe into it and all would be well. Well it is true that the source of the anger is within me but I generally ended up submerging it rather than healing it and then eating sugar and fats to numb out. I spent a day last week so immersed in that anger that if even the slightest bit of it comes up now I feel sickened. Luckily so much of it came up that I had a breakthrough.
I was thinking of a certain circumstance again (just one of the many) when all of a sudden I had one of those lovely perspective shifts. I was angry because it was so difficult to work with a certain friend and the only reason I was working with her was so she could have some extra income, but I thought she wasn’t appropriately grateful nor did she support me in the work we had to do at all (as a matter of fact some things were actually harder because she was there). It came up again last week even though I haven’t worked with her for 8 months or so. However, it was the thought in my mind when the aha moment hit.
It turns out I was/am angry because I chose to continue giving her some work even though it wasn’t comfortable working with her. I am angry that I lessened my income when she makes a lot more than I do overall. I am angry that I was looking for some validation from her (actually I was angry she never validates me and angrier that I still want it from anyone). I was angry because she only talks to me when it fits her schedule but I will sit and wait for her phone calls, postponing my own errands or fun time. She never asked me to do any of this and I am not sure what her expectations are around it, and my relationship with her isn’t the only example of this. The issue is MINE and the choices were mine to make. It was the expedient way to handle abusive parents and so I have continued the patterns (I am sure I chose those specific parents thinking if they abused me enough I would finally break free of this victim/rescuer/codependent behavior – well I am, just a bit later in life.)
So after doing a lot of self-forgiveness work, and getting help from some healer friends, I declare that I am taking care of myself and I am loving myself. I know I am worth it. This victim energy is over - especially where I still think I have to make everyone else happy in order to get small bits of support/comfort or income (or what passes for love), or where I need certain people do to certain things in order for me to feel ok. O-V-E-R.
It is beyond time to stop pretending I am powerless even as I expand into my god consciousness in this human body. The best part is the inner calm after months of pressure building and what felt like a big cataclysmic purge last week. What a way to end the year.