I have been doing some interesting healing this week.
1. The use of pain to feel alive – I came into this world with the underlying belief that my needs will not be met and I chose parents who fulfilled that belief. I handled it by withdrawing. Sometimes the withdrawal was so intense that I was barely aware of myself. I felt numb. I learned that to feel alive I needed to feel pain. Because of so much healing work I have accomplished and allowed I was able to let that belief go this past weekend. I was able to allow the inner emotional sorrow of how that has negatively affected my life go too. Now I have addressed the hopelessness and victim energy many times before and using pain to let myself rest or get attention. But this is the first time I realized that one of the ways I felt alive – even as a baby – was through pain. Letting that go and accepting that I no longer need to withdraw has changed a lot in my life. I am not eating out of insecurity or because it is the only thing allowed to me for comfort. And that is SOOO weird. I went to a buffet and didn’t even need to control myself or deal with any anger because of what I shouldn’t or couldn’t eat. I am calm even though my spiritual business is in a lull right now. I have no need to strive for more right now. I trust. SHEW!! I have worked hard to get here.
2. Quick on the heels of that healing I had a beautiful vision of my future that was so strong I cried when it faded. THEN the knowing that things are falling into place became very strong. I actually felt tumblers fall into place.
I had a panic attack. I have spent my whole life – many lives actually – fighting for what I want, withdrawing when I realized I wasn’t going to get it, going into hopelessness, getting angry and starting the process all over again. I have done variations of this in this life. So now that process is done I can feel how much I have changed, how effortless my life can be, and the inner peace/calm/contentment I have allowed myself to remember. Funny how difficult it is to accept that my life has truly become drama free and that I am allowing wonderful events, people and circumstances. I had to go through years of stripping away the ego wants/desires and embracing my true self to get here. But I am here. The panic is because I am letting myself believe it , not denying it, and I had some fear about believing it since it has seemed so far away and impossible to me.
When I envisioned life in the higher dimensions I thought it would still be quite dramatic, full of big miracles. What I am finding is that all of life at this level is a miracle. Everything I do feels sacred now. I have no need to make any points, prove myself in anyway, work hard at anything, cover up any insecurities, reach out to people to make myself feel better, buy stuff to make me feel better, or anything at all like that. I am noticing it hard to enjoy fiction books like I used to but that is a small price to pay for this. My relationship with god is more personal and constant because I do not feel separate. I have known I wasn’t separate and I believe I have written about this before – feeling myself as an aspect of god. But now it is an underlying sensation that is with me always. I don’t have to open to it or ask about it or wait for it to come. It is always there.
It is beautiful and calm. It is.
Due to lack of interest – the sunday free chats have been cancelled.