Saturday, 26 June 2010 01:00

being honest about my growth

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We have an interesting image of lightworkers and healers in that we expect their lives to be wonderful or, at the very least, that they handle all adversity with grace, serenity and acceptance.  There are now some law of attraction advocates out there saying or writing that they are positive all the time (or are trying to indicate that with their words).

God bless them all.

I am not like that – in case you hadn’t noticed from reading any thing I write.  I am an effective healing facilitator and teacher and I have my ups and downs like every one else.   I share all my emotions although in my every day life they are not at all that dramatic anymore, mostly.  I do my best to approach each and every circumstance from an open, sacred place of being but sometimes when the fear is so great I slip.  Since I am committed to the deepest, most thorough integration of my light body/soul/higher self as is possible, fear comes up for healing a lot.  I let myself dwell in it to the point of forgetting (even momentarily) that all is well and whatever is being created by the fear, or by the fear coming to the surface for healing, will be all right too.

The trouble is that I have a very clear understanding that what my brain and emotions describe as all right isn’t what my higher self thinks is all right- or that is my experience and my fear. So I don’t trust.  I am trying to appreciate it all and want nothing but I am still in transition. Additionally, I have been ‘blessed’ with a very deep, systemic, core fear of not being able to survive in this physical world doing anything I enjoy or want to do, at least that is the way it manifests.  I am in it right now, doing my best to be calm and trusting, loving and accepting, distanced and allowing. I am focusing on the positive, on my higher self, on helping others and it is still strongly there.  I really want to heal this and right now I am so uncomfortable some of my old coping mechanisms are cropping up – eating unhealthily, indulging in some complaining and old victim energy, spending what tiny bit of money I do have inappropriately, and withdrawing into books.  So I am writing about it in the hopes that as I write I will come to a better acceptance.

When I am alone I spend a great deal of time praying and expanding my heart while sitting with and in my fears.  There are times when I walk through them, watching them dissolve and disperse.  I can feel really good and calm for a few hours until I need to do it again.  But I noticed this morning in a meeting that the first thing that blurted out of my mouth was all about my fears.  I am consumed with them yet very aware it is slowly dissipating – an odd by product of not pushing, of just allowing.

I too thought after years of spiritual awakening that I would come to a point where there is no fear within me.  Maybe it can happen.  Who knows?  It is more likely that I will notice there is fear and not be controlled or consumed by it at some point. I am closer to that than I have ever been, just not there yet.  I am at peace with that – for now.

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