The trouble is that I have a very clear understanding that what my brain and emotions describe as all right isn’t what my higher self thinks is all right- or that is my experience and my fear. So I don’t trust. I am trying to appreciate it all and want nothing but I am still in transition. Additionally, I have been ‘blessed’ with a very deep, systemic, core fear of not being able to survive in this physical world doing anything I enjoy or want to do, at least that is the way it manifests. I am in it right now, doing my best to be calm and trusting, loving and accepting, distanced and allowing. I am focusing on the positive, on my higher self, on helping others and it is still strongly there. I really want to heal this and right now I am so uncomfortable some of my old coping mechanisms are cropping up – eating unhealthily, indulging in some complaining and old victim energy, spending what tiny bit of money I do have inappropriately, and withdrawing into books. So I am writing about it in the hopes that as I write I will come to a better acceptance.
When I am alone I spend a great deal of time praying and expanding my heart while sitting with and in my fears. There are times when I walk through them, watching them dissolve and disperse. I can feel really good and calm for a few hours until I need to do it again. But I noticed this morning in a meeting that the first thing that blurted out of my mouth was all about my fears. I am consumed with them yet very aware it is slowly dissipating – an odd by product of not pushing, of just allowing.
I too thought after years of spiritual awakening that I would come to a point where there is no fear within me. Maybe it can happen. Who knows? It is more likely that I will notice there is fear and not be controlled or consumed by it at some point. I am closer to that than I have ever been, just not there yet. I am at peace with that – for now.
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