Saturday, 12 June 2010 01:00

gratitude and apologies -- to me!

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I am so grateful for the part time job I just quit.  It was a struggle for me to be there from the very beginning.  I thought I chose not to heed my highest and best good and took the job for practical reasons: I needed to ease my financial distress in both my emotional state and with my actual income.    Really, I kept getting intuitively that it wasn’t in my highest and best good to take it (over and over, ad nauseum).

Yet, I applied one day, interviewed the next, and within 2 hours was offered the position.  Every aspect of it met my requirements but one –work that meant something to me. It turns out that is the only requirement that really matters, but the job fulfilled other needs.  It kept me busy during a time of deep internal transition and I got to see how much I have changed in the way I reacted to other people’s stuff (both the people I work with and those I was trying to sell to).  I like who I am right now and I enjoyed the people I worked with. Obviously this job was divinely created and was perfect to meet my temporary needs.

Why the apology?  Well, I once promised myself that I would not lie on my deathbed and look back on my life with regret for what I didn’t do and what I wouldn’t change from fear.   After I recovered from cancer I added the promise to live life fully and not get caught up in the pettiness of everyday stuff (i.e. reacting to others’ emotions, getting worked up over small disappointments or obstacles, etc).  I have not been living up to those promises.  I cannot even tell you what last year was about since all I can remember from February to December is all the worry, angst and fear!!!

I have been reminded of my promises to myself through a series of interesting connections on Facebook, an ongoing exchange with a master healer (www.lindawhitedove.com) and through newsletters from uplifting websites (for instance, see www.crazysexylife.com)  and I woke up Friday very clear it was time to quit. I did. Oh sure I had a moment of “OH MY GOD!!”, especially after seeing the front cover of a weekly local newspaper that talked about how trying to find a job is the new job for most people.  Isn’t it fun how when you get to a certain level of spiritual vibration your fears are mirrored immediately in front of you?  (NOT!!)  After a very quick thought of how long it took me to find this job I refocused on my choices in this life and released the fear thoughts.

I am apologizing to myself out loud (like I do everything).  I am choosing full acceptance of what is and what has been, knowing I am so deeply and thoroughly changed I do not have to repeat my past or my old stories.  I am also recommitting to my purpose of experiencing and sharing spiritual mastery from an uplifting, joyful and loving place (is there any other way?) and full integration of that mastery into human ‘everyday’ life.   Today, I stand in total gratitude for me and for god, in all its many aspects.

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