Spiritual evolution doesn’t occur in a straight line or only with sunshine and flowers. Sometimes you go through a lot of emotional turmoil while you are realizing the old way isn’t working and release long held beliefs and emotions to allow a new way of being. I am very aware of these emotions every step of the way. I am sharing my inner thought/emotional process because my intuition tells me to, but also in the hopes that any who read this will be kinder to themselves and others going through anything like this. Besides, sometimes my stream of consciousness amuses people!!
‘You just need a breakthrough and wonderful worlds will be available to you.’ I am paraphrasing but this is what someone recently said to me during a very frustrating time when I reached out for help and she answered. I immediately recognized the truth of the words in the midst of everything we were talking about, I just had no idea how to make it happen (or allow it).
Ever since I left my executive job in 1999, I have felt I was destined to help people on a big scale. Then when nothing happened, and I actually lost more than I gained year after year (friends, money, ideas, my health, beliefs, etc.), I decided it was my ego not my intuition telling me that. Then just as I thought I had resigned myself to a small life barely eking out a living and helping people when I could, people began telling me they could intuitively feel or just knew all kinds of abundance was around me just waiting for me to believe and to break through the last block. We are talking years that people have been telling me this, and it still hasn’t happened.
I have released, opened, changed, affirmed, embraced, meditated and tried all sorts of other techniques (too many to list) and it still hasn’t happened. I still have hope and I still follow my intuition the best I can, but I am still doing a lot of odd jobs that mean nothing to me to earn money and renting rooms in other people’s houses where I have no space (and not much privacy) of my own .
Now I am not going to stop helping people move along in their spiritual growth because that is who I am and I cling to hope although the piece of it that I am holding on to gets smaller and smaller.
It took me 5 years to get to the place of having enough piecemeal work to earn an income. I didn’t have the luxury of holding out for what makes my heart sing or waiting for the fabulous life I was envisioning to actually materialize (good thing, because it still hasn’t).
How do you break through any block when you have tried everything that comes along that you can afford and that your intuition has led you too? When you know that there is a block because so many intuitive people tell you there is and tell you they can feel the very things you want in your energy field? When I can feel those wonderful things so strongly that I cannot accept where I am, how things are now, no matter how much I surrender and embrace my ego.
Well here’s how I handle it. I cuss at God for a while, I gripe about bringing people to me to torture me with the very thing I cannot seem to do. I remember that if I don’t change my inner emotions nothing changes and use that to make me feel better. I use that to try to have patience – to believe it will happen someday. Truth is I HAVE NO IDEA how to make it happen. Those exercises everyone suggests don’t work with me. They don’t ring true to me – either because they are not the right thing or my ego is in the way.
I ALLOW I ALLOW I ALLOW. Make it happen.
I don’t want to chase any ‘cure’ or change just to get money, but I want to balance my outer physical life with my inner spiritual life. When I feel connected to the divine I am so happy, satisfied and expanded. I am in love. But the state of my life interferes – there is so much I do not like. I get I am responsible and I need to make changes to create something different but I have tried so many things and it gets just a teeny tiny bit better (sometimes). I cannot maintain a positive attitude, a grateful attitude, and a loving attitude when I have so many things I do not like in my life and so many that I think I want NOT in my life.
I am better than I used to be – less angry, less judgmental, even financially better - and still do not have what I want. That crap of saying affirmations, just change how you feel, or focusing exclusively on what you want doesn’t/hasn’t worked for me. The only thing that worked monetarily was being willing to take jobs doing stuff I don’t care about and, in some cases, hurt. So yes, I have more money coming in than I used to but still not enough to live comfortably and not doing enough of what is my passion.
And that is another thing. I thought my passion is helping others in their spiritual growth. Although after this rant I am not sure anyone would believe I could do that. I am DAMN good at it. Really. But not so good at helping myself create a comfortable, enjoyable life. As I write this I am aware that I am not angry – just sort of resigned to it; not quite accepting or I wouldn’t be ranting.
So I am back to the beginning – HOW DO I CHANGE THIS? OR how do I allow the change to happen. What needs to be different?
What if nothing needs to be different? What if I have done the work to get there and it IS happening just slower than I expected or wanted? Or what if it is going to look differently than I and others think? What if all the words others tell me are from their filters and really have nothing to do with me? I sure hope that is the case because I have no idea what else to do.
After writing all of this I kept focusing on loving myself, on allowing. I didn’t know what else to do. I talked to others to get help but nothing was resonating except for additional messages to love myself more. The pressure inside of me built and built. Then one day at dusk looking at the moon and the ocean a wave of dizziness past through me. I stepped from one level of being into another (as if a veil was lifted) and felt it viscerally, not the usual way I process. For the 4 days that have passed after that happened I have noticed that the inner victim energy (of feeling punished because I have to do or be around so much I don’t like) is gone. I haven’t been getting angry at my circumstances or beating myself up about them. My outer life didn’t change but my attitude did and I like being calmer. All the frustration in the earlier part of this rant is gone. Some of the thoughts are still there but the emotional charge is gone, so the thoughts can leave too.
I guess the frustration had to reach a certain point in order for me to allow the internal change that was next, or some part of me believed that so it is what happened. Once this happened it opened the door for much more growth and awareness and I was able to connect with a very advanced soul who helped me with an incredible breakthrough and blossoming that I will write about in a future blog.