Birthdays and Holidays. They bring up all sorts of inner beliefs and expectations that are usually hidden but govern our lives anyway. Those beliefs and expectations all get exposed on the ascension path, more so now that the energies are so intensely encouraging (i.e. poking and pushing) us to let them go.
I realized yesterday, on my birthday, that I am still looking for magic on that one day each year that marks the anniversary of my birth. It stems from a horrible childhood that was brightened one day a year when I was celebrated with a cake of my choice, a special dinner and presents. Every family member was there to celebrate me (or pretend to). It was my validation that I could survive everything I put up with the remainder of the year. I felt 'right' and 'whole' that day.
Yesterday, on my birthday, it hit me that I still live life like that. Most of my current life is about doing what is necessary to be halfway comfortable and to serve others, including ‘putting up with’ people that I have attracted into my life just so I won’t feel lonely, following a grueling medication regime to be halfway healthy, and working a job that mostly trashes my body. So if I do not have a great birthday as I define it, with everyone I know wishing me happy birthday and giving me lots of cards/gifts, I feel cheated, angry and depressed.
I guess if I want to be ‘served’ and feted on my birthday that badly I am clearly not totally on board with how I am serving others and the world each day. I also am still looking for validation and love outside of myself. I need balance. The serving needs to come from heartfelt joy and inner full satisfaction. For me that comes from recognizing, remembering and reconnecting with who I truly am – an eternal flow of energy while in this body.
I have been loving myself in a committed and continuous way for a few months now and this is one of the inner beliefs/expectations that used to be in the way of that love fully integrating and being lived. I am very happy this awareness came to my consciousness and that I KNOW these beliefs and the accompanying long-held emotions are healing. Happy Birthday to me!!