Such a beautiful feeling – the feeling of reawakening, of opening more to this human life. As my heart delicately flutters open, and I deal with the overwhelming emotions that accompany each step into the expansive me, the adventurer and explorer I thought I was when I was younger is coming out to play more. It is definitely quieter and more mindful, more unencumbered with fear than it was when I was much younger and played at being fearless when I was really trying to escape from massive fear. I feel it as a new child, eyes wide open, heart excited, cautious only because I am being guided step by step by my inner wisdom and higher self so there is no hurrying or harshness or rushing ahead.
I recognized it when I was admiring that strong sense of adventure in another person. In conversation I remembered so many things I tried when I was younger, so much traveling, so much willingness to experience new things jump into the abyss and see what happened. Life slapped me around a bit and I shut down. I felt the sadness of that very deeply tonight. I also immediately knew that I gave myself the time to do a bunch of inner healing and growing in order to flower open again, many years in fact.
Right now I am in a preparation and resting time period. Each day brings new ‘aha’ moments, such as the one when I finally began beading again and realized the addiction I used to have and the high I used to get with art work is gone. I enjoy it as a task to work on when it feels like fun but I connect with my inner divinity, heart and song at any point. I do not need the art for that anymore or as a distraction from a life I don’t want. I have changed a lot. I am so glad I allow the changes to occur even if I don’t recognize that they are occurring.
*PS: Just so you know I have been going through emotional and physical chaos this past week as I teetered on the precipice of allowing myself this next step deeper into self-acceptance and awareness. It was gentler than I have gone through in the past BUT a very recognizeable pattern. I am happy the things that happen to me as I get ready to breakthrough are gentler than before and I now choose to embrace this pattern thoroughly and completely.