I write these blogs to show my spiritual growth and how it affects my every day life – how I integrate, the changes I see as a result, how steadily I am getting happier and how my spiritual mastery unfolds more and more.
So today – I am experiencing a lot of fear. It is clear that one of the great growth factors for me, right now, is the need to serve – to help in some way that is sane and balanced. In other words, where I take care of myself and I serve others. I do not know yet how that service will show up in my life since I am too afraid to allow it.
I have had many lifetimes where my need to serve caused me to sacrifice myself and other lifetimes where my need to take care of myself caused me to be quite resentful and selfish. In this life, I have teetered back and forth between the two. Right now I am being guided to serve more and a lot of fear is making itself known. All my fears of being sacrificed, used and miserable are up strong; plus I am sad that I have not healed this even though I get to visit this issue a lot. I know I had a rather intense experience with clearing some painful old energy and emotions around this issue just this past Friday (see previous blog) and that is why it is still up strong. Knowing doesn’t mitigate the intensity of the feelings. Additionally, since I am no longer using food to numb out, I am feeling it all – I have no distractions at all. UGH!!
All I can feel is that if I follow this intuitive call to serve I will end up homeless, penniless and used up. My mind can tell you that is extreme and rather dramatic but my emotions/ego still go there. I am praying, meditating, doing the energy work to love and transform this fear and old belief pattern. But for now, that is what is going on with me.
Just to show you how funny God can be, I switched phone companies on Friday morning and now I have terrible sounds coming through the phone. I don’t hear them but the person on the other end does. The phone company says they will check on it and let me know within 48 hours if they need to come out to the house to fix it – maybe that will be this week, maybe not. So ever since this issue became strong in my energy field for healing I have not been able to have any conversations with clients – so no business (except for one brave and kind soul who put up with it). Of course, that just triggers the fears EVEN MORE!! I must REALLY want to heal this once and for all!!!!