Part of integrating my spiritual awakening into my every day life is accepting what is and getting used to dashed expectations. I would say getting used to not having expectations but I am not there yet. Before I went to the ashram I tried and focused and intended to release any expectations of my time there and the results that would come after. I was not successful. The truth is I have been disappointed because I wanted definitive and specific answers about certain parts of my life. I felt so stressed, hopeless and directionless before I went. I especially wanted clarity and direction in how to attract enough money to live on and certain other things but the money piece was the strongest). I wanted a big release of some sort and the dramatic reveal (as they say on tv). Last time I visited my monk friend I got very specific direction about moving, and a lot of answers about my health and my dad’s death. I wanted my experience to be like that again.
The answers came in a different way because I have grown and integrated a lot since then, because I am allowing myself to expand beyond duality, and because I am becoming the intuition I used to seek. No longer do I necessarily have the answers show up in my head or hear a voice or psychically see a picture. Now I act according to the perfect alignment of my higher self rather than get the info and then have to choose to act accordingly. Most of the time I automatically think and take action based on that alignment without needing to dissect or analyze it. I am in transition so it isn’t all the time but I do notice the difference.
I even sat down this morning to write about how I didn’t get any answers and I couldn’t do it because it was not true. I have been integrating information since about 4 days BEFORE I went to the ashram all the way through this morning. There seems to be an automatic constant course correction happening within me also to keep me in alignment. My thoughts are even changing. A complaining or worrying thought is instantly followed with the reminder that it isn’t true and then a list of examples of how changes are occurring play out in my head. I am not consciously choosing to correct myself, it is happening.
So no big huge specific instructions about direction came to me such as what to change or what to start (what classes, how to find a job etc). But let me list some other ‘answers’ to give you an idea of what I am talking about. See if this helps you when you are seeking.
1. The stress, panic and worry about money dissipated providing an opening for it to actually manifest in my life.
2. I was given the exact day my integration would be complete 2 weeks ahead of time.
3. I had a vision about my future and what would definitely be included (had nothing to do with money but addressed some other desires).
4. I just knew it was time to find a new home for my cat and the perfect person emailed me within hours. She is coming over this week to meet him.
5. A new client showed up who was referred to me and who has referred 3 new people to me already (in just 4 days).
6. I opened to heal a previously hidden aspect of my food addiction and shame around it.
7. I am able to hear others correcting me and not blast them (a HUGE change). I can calmly evaluate what they say and determine if there is validity or it is just their stuff. I was even able to allow someone to help me who usually triggers me badly. She was the exact right person to help too.
8. I am able to actually relax during the day rather than constantly looking for activities or entertainment to fill up the hours.
9. Through my grief over some information I received during this time about a very close and beloved friend I have been able to address my fears around my ability to create and maintain close friendships in the future.
10. Even when I descend into complaining and the old worrying, I come out of it within a very short time. It does not linger for days.
11. Every day I have been back home has had at least some time where I felt sacred. It is easy to be calm, centered and meditative with that feeling all around me.
So I got plenty of answers. Just in a different way – a more gentle and thorough way.