Monday, 18 January 2010 08:45

Roller Coaster Respite

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SHEW!! The emotional, energetic and psychic roller coaster seems to have slowed down some. I can now write again.

I tried a lot of avenues to calm down since last Friday and want to share them with you as well as my observations and realizations, in case any of this can help you.

Here’s what I did: I signed up for many websites that will publish articles and pay something or advertise my services, I joined a bunch of surveys-for-cash websites (don’t – I only made $20 in 4 days and they won't give you cash until you get to $30 on one site -10 months later still haven't gotten there), I contacted a couple of websites that have online psychics to get the process started to do that for income, I applied for about 15 full time office jobs and with one staffing agency, I participated in a worldwide holographic healing call with Reggi Shelley (now called Jade Phoenix), I worked with gifted healer Linda White Dove, I got some advice from another healer, I used cold medicine to sleep when the brain wouldn’t shut up (I had a cold but I rarely use cold medicine, this time I did), I did my best not to complain too much, I ate soup from a can just to make my life easier (instead of eating homemade, healthier soup), and I participated in a beautiful meditation last night. I tried to write but mostly I just expressed my anger, panic and sadness. I watched funny you tube clips. I did not force myself to walk. I really, really, really appreciated all the incredible support I received from friends and email buddies and Facebook networkers. I let myself absorb that to the depths of my beingness.

The results? Well I am calmer and more grounded. I allowed a lot of healing of my first and 2nd chakras so I can ground to the physical world better. After a lot of back and forth during which I had it all planned out how I would sell or give away most of what I owned (including my beloved furry companion, Panther) to move across the country and stay in an ashram, I remembered that there must be something I get to choose and decided and declared that I am staying in Encinitas and put down deeper roots here. I loved up the fears over and over. I was finally able to raise my vibration enough to allow higher aspects of me to do some amazing healing and reassuring last night (and I felt it in my body).I recognized that some piece of my ego was on the verge of balancing but was crabbily holding on to one last piece of something that needed to shift, no doubt some last illusion of control. That was the source of the immense panic (the money situation is just a symptom and a distraction).

The conscious shift began last night and is almost complete. I still am not aware of any clear intuitive guidance as to what to do and my choices have not panned out. So I am still stumped but I am not panicked like I was last Friday. Some part of me really must have needed to blame myself and the higher, more evolved, aspects must have really wanted to trigger a certain level of energy/understanding in all sorts of other people.

After sharing my blog last Friday describing my disappointment and fears I received a lot of feedback. A few people were magnificent and compassionate in their responses and offers of support. Others, well, let’s just say NOT!!! I am sure I triggered their own fears but I was saddened at some of the things that were written and said to me (some by my closest friends). Then I was shocked that I responded with so much pain but I had a lot of pain crying out for healing anyway so I am now grateful for the extra ‘help’ in going deeper. BLESS YOU ALL!!! I mean it from my heart.

Because I have said some of these things to myself and I KNOW some of you have said them to yourselves I am listing all the different ways I attracted blaming and abusive energy and comments, with the caveat that I am now clear that I have made no mistakes and I was not wrong or a bad person because of any choices I made:

  • You blocked yourself all year from finding a job; you were frantic all year and it blocked you from finding a job
  • You have to give up your dream and come back to reality.
  • I told you to look here or there for a job but you didn’t do it.
  • Maybe now you will get off your ass and hustle more to find a job. (!!)
  • I knew you were just running out your money out and nothing could come of anything you did last year (and now you have to give up your dream, etc).
  • You really didn’t put enough energy into looking for a job and now that you don’t have any money you will be forced to really focus on it.
  • You are trying to do the wrong thing.
  • You are using the wrong words when you speak of yourself and your situation and should change.
  • The signs were there that what you were doing was wrong, you should have paid attention better.

What I said to myself when the pain was the greatest: I am a failure. Why did I ever leave my secure job to pursue spiritual growth if it was going to lead back to needing a full time job? How can I trust my intuition if following it seems to always be wrong (in hindsight)? Maybe I should just go live in an ashram and serve the head guru since I can’t seem to make it in the world.

I have no idea how any of this is going to play out. I am aware that since I have committed to intense spiritual growth in a human body that my higher self will always guide me to the path with the most growth (I will write more about this in another article) so this could just be a step along that path. I sometimes wish I could ‘fit in’ better so my poor ego could be assuaged a little bit rather than feel like it is being forced to lose or give up all the time. I also wish my ego and the inner pain would heal gentler and easier! LOL!!

But today, I just hope that I provide the opportunity for clear intuitive guidance as to how to allow myself to be supported comfortably in the physical world in Encinitas, CA.

Read 1161 times Last modified on Tuesday, 12 October 2010 10:00
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