October 1st. Thank God. That means the energies of next year are already swirling about. I am going into my 5 year. I am thankful to be leaving the 4 year – the year of hardship. In numerology 5 is the year of change and it is the number of my name. I am hoping for positive change.
Between the forgiveness exercise I did Tuesday, my dream Tuesday night and a healing attunement I began yesterday, plus some diet and supplement changes I began on Sunday, I am already feeling better. The cooler weather helps also.
So now I am embracing the part of me that equates feeling better with manifesting better things for myself in the physical world any time soon. That equation, especially the expectant time frame, leads to impatience and disappointment and I don’t want to be wallowing in those emotions any more. I know, I know all the new agers say one leads to the other. It might. It might not. Hard to know. I DO KNOW my expectation of that has caused me lots of pain in my past and I am choosing not to go that way now or in my future.
Once again I am aware I am being guided to write my book, walk and enjoy every day. Funny, at the moment I have no desire to make art. Weird. But I cannot push it so I packed up all my art supplies neatly for the next time I decide to make anything. My apartment looks so big with everything put away, empty actually.
I am learning to heal that old energy/emotion of not knowing what to do with myself when I feel good and have a lot of energy. I have not connected closely with too many people here so I don’t have people to turn to for entertainment or distraction. Since my business isn’t booming and no one is contacting me from all the job applications I don’t have a lot of income, therefore I am not comfortable spending much money. It leaves me at loose ends. Even the beach gets tiresome when you go every single day. So what to do with myself? What to do?
It appears to be a good time to ‘love up’ my self saboteur because when I don’t have a lot to do I start trying to fall back into some old negative thoughts. But you know, I have changed. Those thoughts no longer feel right in my head. It is kind of like my ego wanting to fall back into an old pattern but the pattern really doesn’t fit anymore – it is a memory of a pattern rather than a pattern engraved into my energy. I am grateful to realize that as it provides the opportunity for me to stay consciously aware of my thoughts and of what is comfortable for me now. I am learning myself more and more every day.
Everything is new. When I was young I expected that so it was fine and exciting. Now I find myself frustrated and tired. When I can just ignore any past expectations and grasp all the new with the wonderment of a child it IS exciting and energetic and I want more and more. It seems I am relearning how to live, without all the rote habits and definitions. The tiredness and frustration comes from the transition from one way to another. I cannot go back because this is who I am now but part of me is being retrained and has been resisting and really needs more time at this. it isn’t any different than training a muscle to move differently. It is VERY tiring at first because it is used to moving one way only and it has to reshape and be stimulated differently to move in a different way. It is the same with my thoughts and emotions.
As I write this I am enjoying this understanding. Living it every day is taking some concentration and more conscious awareness moment to moment than I am used to. No wonder there are days when I am very tired. What a good reason to be tired!!! YAY!!