Recently I have been very angry with someone who has been a friend for a long time. Everything about her that I normally can deal with was making the anger worse. I was beside myself with frustration that I couldn’t let it go and wondered over and over why it was so intense. She wasn’t doing or acting in any way different than she usually does. However, no matter how often I embraced that anger or loved up the judgment (and asked forgiveness from her and her higher self) the anger stuck around and stayed very focused on her.
After a lot of inner work on other things, I finally realized I was angry because for a specific length of time a she was representing a lot of my fears and it was easier to blame her or focus on her than my own insecurities and issues. I am revisiting all the stuff I let people do to me in this life due to my lack of self-esteem so I am particularly sensitive to the slightest whiff of disrespect (intended or not). I had been experiencing another level of anguish over my faith (or lack of faith) in my intuitive guidance or that the universe will take care of me in a positive way and therefore was trying to make an income strictly from whatever came my way, even if it wasn’t in my highest and best good. Additionally, because of my fear around my income level many of my decisions were clearly fear based (a job I took and stayed with for too long, not purchasing certain basic things I needed, clinging to past negative experiences as my guide post for not offering healing classes, and asking her’s and other people’s opinions when I was in resistance). All of these things were mirrored and encouraged by certain things this friend does, says or believes, including her denial that she has any fear or makes any decisions from fear (something I do – in my mind at least).
I also mistook what is fear for practicality. It was time for me to heal at a deeper and to recognize, and appropriately detach, from my dependence on her beliefs and approval and from the fears she was mirroring so beautifully. As a result I have integrated my spiritual awareness to a deeper level and made great leaps in bridging the physical and ego with the spiritual energies of me, all while releasing a lot of pent up/suppressed negative emotions. An intense learning experience, for sure.
I am deeply grateful for her willingness to mirror this for me. I bet we are all like that to at least one other person but this past month I got to see it within her and me clearly. God Bless her and everyone else in my life who agreed to be this kind of mirror and/or catalyst for my continued growth.