I have been doing some interesting healing this week.
1. The use of pain to feel alive – I came into this world with the underlying belief that my needs will not be met and I chose parents who fulfilled that belief. I handled it by withdrawing. Sometimes the withdrawal was so intense that I was barely aware of myself. I felt numb. I learned that to feel alive I needed to feel pain. Because of so much healing work I have accomplished and allowed I was able to let that belief go this past weekend. I was able to allow the inner emotional sorrow of how that has negatively affected my life go too. Now I have addressed the hopelessness and victim energy many times before and using pain to let myself rest or get attention. But this is the first time I realized that one of the ways I felt alive – even as a baby – was through pain. Letting that go and accepting that I no longer need to withdraw has changed a lot in my life. I am not eating out of insecurity or because it is the only thing allowed to me for comfort. And that is SOOO weird. I went to a buffet and didn’t even need to control myself or deal with any anger because of what I shouldn’t or couldn’t eat. I am calm even though my spiritual business is in a lull right now. I have no need to strive for more right now. I trust. SHEW!! I have worked hard to get here.
2. Quick on the heels of that healing I had a beautiful vision of my future that was so strong I cried when it faded. THEN the knowing that things are falling into place became very strong. I actually felt tumblers fall into place.
So how are you handling the intensity these days? Each summer the intensity of the shifting energies gets kicked up several notches. This summer has been no different. Right now things are at a feverish pitch and sometimes the only thing you can do is hang on for the ride and be as flexible as you can.
Many of us are revisiting issues, behaviors and beliefs we thought we had already dealt with to integrate or heal aspects not already addressed. In the past week and a half I was led to revisit and review my inner disdain and dislike for being in a human body again and how it has governed all my decisions and actions in my life. I have been guided to focus on how much I do not like being on earth several times in my life. Each time I made the decision to continue living in this body but never with enthusiasm or much heart. Now I am not saying I was suicidal but I was definitely withdrawn and dissociated (depressed and angry, as well). That has been getting better and better during the past 5 years, and last week I actually had the emotional, heartfelt desire to continue living bubble up from within me. It was a very different experience than mentally deciding or intuitively knowing that I will continue in this body. It was unconditional, internally unifying, definite, clear and uplifting.
Immediately many realizations showed up about how this strong inner desire to not be here has limited so much of my life. I saw where I had made decisions that corroborated how miserable I felt in life. I saw how ungrounded I was for most of my life, where I sort of ghosted through classes and events, and where I was unable to maintain any kind of emotional intimacy with anyone because I wasn’t all here. The pictures in my head were of me participating and, on occasion, appearing to be enjoying myself but the emotional memories are of feeling miserable, separate, alone and hopeless about it all.
So have you noticed as your ascension process continues you are getting more and more sensitive to certain things that before you could handle with no problem? Some of us really can’t handle being in lower energies for very long or engaging in behavior, thoughts or emotions that are not in alignment with our higher self or highest purpose.
If I get caught up in reminiscing about the past for too long I get a headache. If I future trip (think about or try to plan for the future) too much, I get this sick empty feeling that can also change to a headache in an instant. If I eat foods that no longer fit my higher vibrational physical living (mostly processed foods or heavy meats and meals) I get sick. If I spend time with people when it is not in my highest and best good I get headaches and say things that really shouldn’t be said (seriously, the words just pop out of my mouth), or I start reacting to their energies not their words and we both get very uncomfortable. If I am resisting anything I get shoulder and neck aches that go away the minute I surrender. If my guides/higher self are trying to talk to me or get my attention I feel a burn on the right side of my head. If I do not sit down and listen it gets worse and worse, like a migraine. If I try to force anything or strive to make something happen, I get very lethargic and things don’t flow at all. It doesn’t matter which area of my life – it could be ways to make money, exercising, talking to someone to get something I want when I need to let go of it, working on one of my books instead of resting or meditating or having fun, staying on the computer too long to finish ‘just one more thing’, etc.
I spent the past three weeks in a health crisis because of some pretty intense inner conflict and resistance. My poor system needed relief of some sort and I was so clogged up energetically and emotionally that it was trying to let off steam physically. Of course the health stuff then contributed to me feeling even more scared, which didn’t help the emotions.
I prayed for help and did receive some lovely energy assistance from a good awakening facilitator, Linda White Dove (www.lindawhitedove.com), as well as bits and pieces from several other individuals, but you know how it is when you are not ready – nothing moves. I must have needed to spend more time being still and wasn’t listening because my car began acting up so I took it in the shop and the car I thought I could use wouldn’t start either. This whole week I have been without transportation and so drained because of the inner conflict I didn’t want to walk to any place too far away. I have had plenty of time to be with myself.
So how goes it with you? Are you noticing all the changes that you are being directed to make?
I am in a phase of experiencing rather than writing. It is very unusual for me. I know that many of us have had shifts in our lives to align with the change in our vibrations or we are in the middle of the shifts now. Part of my changes has been to more focus on my books and my activities, less on the computer, articles and blogs. I have also picked up my sewing again. I am participating in some local groups whereas for quite a while I was very isolated and internal. Last year I tried 7 different groups and couldn’t make myself continue with any of them.
How do you feel?
After all the self-improvement, spiritual awakening, and listening to your inner guidance, how are you? Are you appreciating and enjoying life more? Do you stay in alignment with your higher self or get back into alignment as soon as you notice you have drifted a bit? I notice my journey back to alignment is faster than ever before.
Instead of feeling bad about myself for days like I used to when I am around others who are judging me, sometimes I don’t even notice. However, sometimes I do feel bad or upset for a short time. I usually get out of it pretty quickly because I am in contact with the inner eternal aspect of myself that is loving and expanded. It is the natural me, the real me and I no longer resonate much with the false me that has played the earth game of feeling bad about myself. It is only when I lose that conscious contact or understanding that I allow myself the experience of not feeling good.
I know the main driving spiritual force in my life has been the desire and commitment to exist in total faith while living an every day life in the world (rather than as a monk). I have described it as living every day as the god I AM, with no illusions or duality covering any of it, while in a human body. Living that way all my needs are met because I am in the flow of co-creation at all times.
As I move into the higher dimensional living these core desires/drives/purposes get uncovered and I become them more and more. It shows up in every aspect of my life but none more dramatically as with my income, mostly because money is such a touchy and hard issue for me. So right now as I need money it shows up but only exactly as much as I need and only when it is needed for something in alignment with my higher self.
So rent money shows up the day rent is due, not a moment before. I don’t make or earn anything ‘extra’ to put in savings. Part time jobs are offered at the right time even before I need the exact amount of money they will bring me. When I apply for jobs that are not right for me, I either don’t hear back or something goes wrong in the possible hiring process. For instance, I recently applied to work Christmas at a local store. They sent an email telling me to use their automated system to schedule an interview. When I tried to go to the page their link sent me to, no schedule could be found even though the page clearly says use this page to schedule an interview!!
I also do not get money for whatever is not in my highest and best good. I want to go back to the doctor to get different medicine for an ongoing condition that I think is not being handled properly by my current meds. At this time I do not have enough money to do that. When I could calmly ask my intuitive guidance about it (after demanding that the money come because my needs are supposed to be met) I clearly heard that the new meds would harm me in other ways and that I have been asking to heal some food addiction issues and the current meds will handle my condition if I choose to eat differently. So it is all connected and all designed to support me at my highest and best good, in alignment with my highest self. It is not designed to make me happy for right now, although in the long run the joy potential is tremendous.
Another interesting side effect is that psychics can’t seem to get any information on how I can earn additional income, just as I cannot get information for a monk friend of mine about her future place to live. We are both in a spiritual/energetic place of walking in faith and our higher selves are no longer letting us pretend otherwise. Is there something in your life that is similar, something that doesn’t seem to make sense or that is stubbornly refusing to change for what you consider to be better? My guess is there is a core purpose being served and if you can connect with that purpose all sort of shifts will occur.
I know we will become very comfortable with this way of living and think nothing of it but the transition is a teeter-totter balancing act between what we have been taught and have always done and what is true for us now. My expectation of what higher dimensional living would be like has been shattered and now I am finding my way each day through and with my strong internal guidance to what it actually is. I intellectually knew it would consist of my needs being met at all times but I forgot the part where there would be a lot of sifting out of what is needed vs what is wanted and I sort of romanticized my level of trust and acceptance of the timing of it all. Now I find reassurance standing side by side with fear and worry as I move further into trust and acceptance. It is a growthful time indeed.