Jealousy is rearing its ugly little head inside of me. I am jealous of Matt Monarch who at only 33 years is well known within the raw community and seems to have a thriving business and new wonderful marriage. I have none of that. I am jealous of a person with a yahoo group that focuses on low level spiritual energy and awakenings with 800 people on it. Mine only has 200. I have greatness inside of me too why can I not manifest it and WHY is it so important to me that I do?
My ego is feeling annoyed today and is making it known to me. ok I admit I have been feeling useless these days. I know right now it is perfect that nothing is happening that I can see besides me walking, addressing some physical health concerns and writing my book. I AM BORED and IMPATIENT!!! LOL!!! I also have fear that it won’t get beyond this.
And I am irritated at even the small ’successes’ of others. Mind you these successes are MY judgment and opinions, not necessarily theirs. I want more for me. I have never gotten to the place of total acceptance of what is. I want more. I hope it is because I am so much more than I see or that there is so much more in store for me NOT that my ego is just needing more feeding. But who knows?
All part of the next steps in letting go more of my ego attachment to events, status symbols, things and people outside of me I am sure. I am also sure there is something else going on inside as a result of my visit with my sisters yesterday (visiting family ALWAYS brings up stuff). Just more to heal.
I have been going through another shift. This time I believe it is due to family visits but I also have been trying a new visualization outlined in the latest Crimson Circle transcription which allows more of myself to integrate (sometimes a bit unsettling). I also have been doing my best to heal some old heart hurts and abuse/victim energy I still carry. So I am not sure what is really causing all of the inner swirling around and shifting. I just know it has been uncomfortable and it brings up a lot of old emotions that aren’t always so much fun, no matter how hard I try to distract myself from them (LOL!!)
I have many coping methods to help my vibration raise when I get lost, vulnerable, depressed or fearful. One is to wallow in gratitude. I discovered it through the Abraham- Hicks materials. Tonight, or rather this morning (4 am) I am going on a rampage of gratitude.
This is what I am grateful for today:
Conscious processing – so I have an idea of what is going on within me.
My artistic talents.
My sense of humor.
My willingness to continuously face myself and grow through it, no matter how much disarray it seems to cause in my every day physical life.
My baby sister.
Telephones (to to talk to my friends)
My strong legs.
My perservering body.
My hope for a better life (it never dims no matter how upset or depressed I can get).
A fabulous, talented, and helpful chiropractor.
The angels/my higher self aspects that are always there offering help.
My ability to occasionally allow the help.
My clients – especially the ones so generous who work on issues that I too need to address.
The power of prayer and intention.
My paid-for car.
Henry’s Store- the cheapest veggies around.
The local library – beautiful and useful.
The positive psychic readings that I have been getting lately from others, whether or not the details are true.
This blog software.
Online tv shows and magazines.
God (really is there a need to write anything else after that?)
Today I trust. I am accepting, calm and grounded. The most recent result of all the internal and physical shifts is that I am very grounded and calm and trusting. I like it. I have touched this place before but only momentarily and immediately was knocked out of it by my fear.
Once I move into a new energy I can hardly remember the old and this is no exception. I do not remember what the fear was about but it was strong enough for me to invite back in drama and chaos. Each time I have moved a step closer to balancing my ego with my heart and spirit, this kind of thing has happened so I imagine the balancing is stronger now. I imagine that my ego is becoming like my emotions – there and noticeable but not controlling me. It is different and fine.
After other shifts I have felt a bit lost and vulnerable. Not this time. I now know that lost feeling was coming from my ego not know what to do. Since the balancing is stronger I notice the thought of lost but it is not permeating my being or controlling/poking at my emotions.
Again, very different than what I am used to and very welcome. Just goes to show that we truly do not know how things are going to be when we move to the higher dimensions of existence or to a more balanced way of being. When I was repeating patterns I wasn’t there even if I thought I was. Oh perhaps I moved a step or two closer but not there. And I know in a few months when I look back I will realize that this too is just another step. But this step seems to be a bigger one or at least different enough that the result is different.
I am very internal right now and ok with that. I do not want to be distracted by shops, tv, other people’s fears, going out or being around anything with sharp energy. I am enjoying just being. It is nice.
WHEW!! I had a trying day yesterday. I awoke in a foul mood, quite angry actually. I was upset because the day before dawned to me feeling great, a wonderful aftermath of so much change during the previous two weeks. My mind was racing trying to figure out what I was angry with or at.
I did some channeling to get some answers. The words were reassuring about my future and choice of how I spend my time right now but I didn’t feel much better. I tried to write an article and to work on my book. I couldn’t focus enough do either. I did some energy lightening processes and noticed a lot of gunk clearing from my third chakra but the out of sorts feeling continued. I walked but was only able to force myself to walk about half the distance I normally do. I went out to lunch and that helped a bit.
I finally gave up and went to the library to watch comedy and music videos on the computer for hours. Then came home and finished a good book and went to sleep. Today I woke up feeling completely different – grounded, calm, purposeful and in alignment with my higher self.
Today I know it was a combination of reacting to leftover energy in the apartment from a client’s healing session the previous night (it didn’t clear as thoroughly as I intended), some inner emotional pain I experience when I talk to a friend on the phone who I am supposed to be letting go of but haven’t quite gotten there yet, and email exchange with a distant relative that brought up some old family stuff, and my frustration and impatience with the intuitive guidance that I am not supposed to sponsor a meet-up group with a particular person without any clear explanation (when I REAAALY wanted to). However, in the middle of the emotional flow yesterday I could not get clear information about what triggered it all.
I took the exact right steps to help myself – channeling my higher self, energy healing, walking, going out and then distracting myself with something fun. It still took sleeping on it to help it all dissipate.
Sometimes it is like that – I just have to let some time go by. I prefer to help it along faster but it doesn’t always work that way. I am sure this is where trust and acceptance comes in, i.e. trusting that what is going on with me is appropriate and accepting that it will heal or change when the timing is correct or I am finished with whatever is going on. Spiritual evolution indeed.
I am moving on up!! I have been experiencing a recalibration of my energy. I am already communicating with a higher aspect of me than I was last week. My poor body is just trying to catch up and my crazed cat is hating the change (of course, he hates ALL change). However, I AM THRILLED.
This is the fun part of spiritual evolution for me. I don’t necessarily enjoy all the symptoms of my resistance or when pockets of old emotions burst open for release or healing (YUCK) but I LOVE connecting to a higher place within me. I love learning from a more expanded version of me. I have been working towards this for a few months. Well probably my whole life but I have felt this particular shift coming for a few months. It is such a relief to be making it.
I have been intuitive told it is from this aspect of me that the rest of the book will be written. I am, again, so relieved because I have felt kind of stuck for a few weeks. I am writing but my satisfaction and connection to the writing hasn’t been the same. It has felt like something was missing. Now I know – the higher aspect of ME!!
But you know, the body can only hold so much energy. When it is ready, you can move into a higher realm of existence. It is possible to connect higher by not being grounded but that is not the way I am living my life on earth these days. My job is to be as expanded as possible while STILL IN my body. And I am accomplishing it.
I have to admit I have had some frustrating moments (see my blog from yesterday). Most of these stem from my impatience and my ego still holding on to old beliefs – such as I MUST have a job and I must look hard for it on the computer and in the papers and by walking the streets to find help wanted signs. It has been difficult to reconcile trust, my intuition and some of my fears. However, the more I practice trusting the easier it gets. I certainly have plenty of tools to use when I get fearful – I just have to remember to use them.
So today I am resting as my intuition instructed me. Resting means no beating myself up internally. It means walking but walking mindfully – slowly and fully present for as long as my body wants to. I won’t be pushing to go fast or long distances today. Today resting also means less time on the computer and more time with leisure activities such as reading or watching a movie. I don’t allow myself to enjoy resting too often. Today I plan to.
What a great change in energy on Earth!! I felt it when I woke up on Monday and have been receiving confirmations ever since. I have a possible job, an unexpected opportunity to volunteer to support cancer patients and their caregivers through my art, and a new higher vibration of me that showed up to channel the next phase of the book I am writing. A friend received acknowledgment of the difference she has made at her place of work and confirmation that the company she is working for has a lot of integrity. Another friend and client also received information about the changes manifesting in her life.
This is a lot of positive in a short time for me and I am thrilled. I was so aware that now is the time when my desires are manifesting that I had to lay down for 2 hours a few days ago while my heart opened and waves of appreciation and tears went through me. It is not always easy knowing something is coming if you know too far ahead of time. I have been feeling this coming for 6 years and thought it would be here long ago. But it needed a combination of me being ready AND the earth’s energy supporting it.
The earth’s energy has reached a vibration to support manifestation of our desires and energies that we have been creating. For me and my two friends it is very positive, at least that is our judgment of it. For some others I would not call it positive but it is exactly what they desire. For instance, I am seeing one individual who is creating his doorway off of earth. Since he has a young family I do not consider it a positive thing but he is so unhappy here on earth perhaps it is. For all I know it may provide an opportunity for the members of his family to grow and blossom in a spectacular way.
The key for all of us is to allow and surrender to our higher selves because what shows up may not look like we expected it to. My job will be an opportunity to heal more of my food addiction and ego issues, working for what seems like a very upbeat and positive company. I will be busy, get to talk to people and wear casual clothes – all necessary for me (in my opinion). But I will be working for very little money in an environment that is not necessarily great for someone with diabetes and food issues, as it is a place where everything is served with bread or dessert. However, it will get me out of the house for 20 or more hours each week, bring in some steady income and put me and my energy in front of a LOT of people. It also still gives me time to write, make art and volunteer etc. So it will fit beautifully in my life right now. It took me awhile to get to the emotional place where this is all ok. I knew I needed to apply to this place 6 months ago and couldn’t make myself do it for many reasons. I went in there recently to eat and realized I needed to apply and complied this time. It was extremely easy – another sign it was meant to be.
My life is not shaping up to be the way I thought it would or thought I wanted. However, as I reconnect with who I really am I allow my physical life to shift to support that rather than an idealized version of life my damaged and emotional ego needed to make it feel better. Today I am pretty happy with what is showing up and grateful at how beautifully it is all supporting my alignment with my higher self (or the true, authentic me). I am at peace with it all. Accepting who I truly am, ‘faults’ and all, and loving me enough to allow all aspects of my life to be in alignment with that is an amazing gift.
I am grateful to recognize this in myself and to reap the positive outcomes of what I have been sowing during my intense spiritual evolution.
I don’t know about you, but I have had a hard time consistently appreciating what exists. In the past my old anxieties, worries and fears have kept me from truly enjoying what I do have. It wasn’t until I decided once and for all to integrate fully into the physical life and actually embrace being in a body that I noticed a real change in attitude. The changes were occurring, I just didn’t notice them, partially because many times I chose to focus on what I didn’t have (and complain about it a lot).
For instance, I received an inheritance in 2006 after a great aunt and my dad died. It wasn’t a huge sum of money but if I had been working, earning enough money to live on, I could have invested it and had a nice cushion, perhaps even buy a house some day. Instead, I had to pay hospital and then continuing medical bills, pay back people I had borrowed from when I was practically destitute, replace a car, obtain furniture and live on what was left. I also used some of it to help out some friends that needed it and to give back for the years when others took care of me. It is now almost gone.
With the exception of a day or two (maybe even a week here and there) I did not relax and really enjoy the windfall. I lived better than before but I didn’t really enjoy it. I have been too worried about what will happen to me when it runs out. Money has represented a lot of things for me – security, love, trust, comfort, entertainment, etc. Even after healing a lot of that I still didn’t relax.
Sometimes our issues are too vast to be comprehended. For me money and food issues fall into that category. I had so many changes to make internally that it took awhile. Recently my choosing to embrace and accept that I am in a physical body and going to be in one for a long time made a difference. I have spent more than 10 years trying so hard to ignore that I am also a physical being – even when I chose to live 4 years ago I still didn’t embrace or enjoy being human. Now I have and am.
I am appreciating the small things in the physical world now. I am focused on integrating all my desires and energy created from my intentions into the physical. When faced with choices about how to proceed with my spiritual growth I am cautiously exploring how each step fits into a balanced life instead of jumping into the intense deep end like I used to.
I decided to trust that my higher self would take care of me in the physical world and love up my ego when it doesn’t think it is enough.
I still have worries but they don’t control me. I notice that I don’t need to go out and spend money as often. Additionally, the panic that I won’t have enough seems to be dissipating. A lovely serendipitous side effect is that I don’t need to buy cookies when I go grocery shopping either. My food issues seem to be healing also. YIPPEE!!
I now appreciate the wonderful way I have been taken care of through this money and the opportunities it has allowed me to explore. When worries flit across my mind, I remember to tell myself that I will be taken care of and I have proof.
Today I woke up rested, refreshed and regenerated; no pain and no outrageous or dramatic emotions. YAY!! As a matter of fact it is 5:48 am and I am waiting for the first glimmers of sunlight to go for a long walk.
I knew this shift would create some immediate changes in my life because the more resistance and fear I have to work through the bigger the inner shift (usually). The first indication was an abrupt change in doctors that occurred yesterday. I imagine other people will fall out of my life pretty quickly here as the effects of our energy expansions are now showing up faster in our every day physical lives. The things, events, circumstances and people whose energies/vibrations no longer resonate with us separate with a speed that can leave one dizzy. Well, at least it sometimes leaves me dizzy.
The good news is that things always seem much better AFTER all the changes occur. The transitions can be a bit rough though.
Today I am grateful for:
finding the blog of one of my favorite authors (Laurell K Hamilton);
Finding a new doctor who seems to match my philosophy on healing and patient/doctor relations;
my baby sister and her wonderful support;
my body’s ability to bounce back from some pretty intense physical reactions to my spiritual processing;
my darling cat who tries so hard to help me heal;
the ocean and being able to live so close to it; and
the return of my hope.
I am always excited when big changes occur in my energy and I get lovely visions and explanations of what is happening. Then it all begins to integrate into the physical. Right now I am having a difficult time with that, mostly because I don’t handle uncertainty well (haven’t quite thoroughly tapped into the my own trust yet). I went through a big change last week, dragging my feet the whole way. I have been recovering since and am in the void that always occurs before new stuff shows up in my every day life.
Everything about this particular shift feels sluggish, including the integration process. As I mentioned either in a blog or recent article the most immediate shift was the need to change doctors. I believe a job I was going after also shifted, the timing of it or the actual job – not sure which. I will know on Tuesday. I also have no desire to make art, attempt to go to events to meet people, or do anything to promote my business. I am definitely in a resting time.
That would normally be fine if I wasn’t running out of money or if I trusted that all would truly be ok in my human life (I know it is for the ‘real’ or true me but I need it to be that way in my physical life too). I find it difficult to relax and enjoy life when I am worrying about my finances. Each time I am aware of the worry, I breathe deeply, do energy work to expand anywhere I might have contracted, and choose to trust. It seems like I end up doing that a lot but I am not sure if I am actually trusting more or becoming more vigilant about worrying. My choice is to trust more!!! LOL!!
I plan to meditate today on all of this with the intention of connecting better to trust and receiving some guidance for the next steps on my spiritual evolution path.
In the meantime I have been listing my desires/choices in my head for those steps and am sharing them below:
I choose to be grateful for the inheritance that has supported me these past 4 years and to know that I will continue to be supported financially fully and comfortably in my human, physical, life.
I choose to think good thoughts about people all the time and, in general, expect the best.
I choose to love myself so much that I take appropriate care of my physical body with food, exercise, and health care.
I choose to open all the inner doors to allowing a mate in and follow the guidance from my higher self to be in the right place at the right time to meet him in a timely manner.
I choose to adopt ways to handle my emotions when they feel bad without overeating, spending money or complaining.
A beautiful thing happened to me last night. I had just gotten off the phone with a friend who was doing a great job in supporting me emotionally. Although things are ok right this moment, I am experiencing a lot of fear around finances because it doesn’t look like things will be ok in 2 months (not enough income or savings).
I have been feeling a bit guilty and ashamed that I haven’t been able to trust more, that I feel fear a lot, that I haven’t changed the energy enough to open the financial doors for me, and that I am spending a lot of time embracing all this fear and reminding myself I am taken care of at all times.This has been taking up a lot of my time and energy lately. I know what I see with my physical eye is not the total sum of my existence but I also know I wish to be comfortable in this physical world and it seems that there is some part of me that does not allow it consistently (either financially or emotionally). I am also aware that all of this has been more intense lately because it is time for another deep healing around it.
So last night after my phone conversation I began intending (again) that I believe in my intuitive information that I will be alright financially even if I cannot intuit how that will happen. I reminded myself that my friend supports me and that there are always various aspects of god around me helping out (spirits, angels etc).
I am not sure what was different this time but something changed. I dropped into my heart more and I felt an incredibly comforting presence around me. It looked like an angel stroking my face and hugging me and it felt like a higher aspect of me. All the fear went away and I was at last fully present and aware of a spreading sense of ease and love. I felt as I imagine one would feel if one had the perfect mothering love, unconditional and consistent. I also felt myself softening and surrendering to it. The presence was beautiful to look at and fabulous to feel.
I received no answers about how my financial situation would improve only that I would be fine and that fine meant still living in an apartment with enough food to eat, busy and enjoying life. I totally believed it with all my being.
I noticed late last night when the fearful thoughts began flitting across my consciousness again I was able to move back into that loving, comforting, supportive feeling. I am still feeling it this morning.This is what I have been craving – relief from the constant fear and reconnection with the deep knowing that I am love no matter what is going on in my physical human life. YAY!!