I had some rather revolutionary thoughts today after realigning with my higher self. These interesting questions came to me: What if it is not in alignment with my higher self for me to have a job right now? What if my financial situation is absolutely perfect for me at this time and what am I learning or healing because of it?
This wonderful insight came after much mental chatter. I have been grappling with reconnecting with my heart’s desire, especially with sorting out what is in my heart and what is leftover from my ego. I do not have clarity on that yet. I have also been visiting a lot of self doubt and self-blame energy, in addition to the fear, around my financial situation. As I was contemplating all of this during my morning walk, I saw a sign this morning outside a local coffee shop that read something like this: ”If you are depressed, perhaps you have miscounted your blessings.”
This got me to thinking about how much time I spend focusing on things/events that I do NOT consider blessings which led me to my belief that if things are not flowing in my life I must be doing something wrong, which reminded me of something I recently read and re-remembered – that we are all in the absolutely perfect place for us for maximum spiritual growth. Today as all my thoughts were whirling around about my struggle to find a job or working ‘harder’ to build my business I also began wondering about my ego’s part in all of my ‘delays’ or side trips away from financial abundance. I am also not sure about what to focus on for my life (as a goal) as what I thought I wanted has not come to me in 10 years. This is why I blame myself so much because I assume I have done something wrong or am still sabotaging myself or what I want has all been constructed from my ego and I still haven’t discovered my heart’s desire. SHEW!!
So here I am going round and round, not feeling particularly great when it struck me that if we are in the perfect place for our growth and I don’t feel good then I might not be in alignment with my higher self. So I intended that alignment and yes, indeed, I was pretty far out of alignment. Once I shifted I felt better and those afore-written thoughts came to me. I could feel all sorts of inner emotions and energies calming down.
Now some little troublemaker inside wants to say that I like that thought because it is an excuse not to get out there and pound the pavement more to look for a job. But it feels like an aha rather than an excuse so I am going with it until it doesn’t feel right. I am being led deeper into my understanding and acceptance of how things work at a higher vibration. The resistance to going there and to knowing this has been dragging me down. So I embrace my situation fully, accepting the experience as a mechanism for fabulous growth, knowing I can create a joyful life from staying in alignment with my higher self NO MATTER WHERE IT LEADS ME!!
So much change is going on within me that I haven’t even begin to describe it all in these blogs. One of the things I like is proof that these inner changes are making a difference in my every day life. There is a part of me that would like this proof to be financial abundance, a mate and nourishing community. None of that has shown up in my life yet BUT my own reactions are much calmer and more peaceful. I have hope that will lead to enjoying life thoroughly no matter how it turns out.
Today when I was trying to purchase some books using my ATM card it was denied, twice. I didn’t have any cash on me and I don’t own any credit cards. Instead of getting angry or embarassed I just told the clerk I would have to come back another time and went to my bank. I didn’t notice any fear either. It turns out there were two other people in the branch having the same problem, as it was the bank’s fault. Now I still have to wait for a new card and find my check book to pay for things but there is nothing wrong with my account.
I reacted VERY differently than I used to. I didn’t blame anyone, I didn’t yell at anyone, I didn’t try to force my will on anyone. I was calm, accepting and took appropriate action. I am loving myself right now!!
My resisting ego showed up this morning as a hurt, arrogant male energy fighting for his survival. First his energy interfered with some processing I was in the middle of last night ( I had to just stop and do something else), then he took form and talked to me in my dreams last night, then he showed up in meditation this morning.
He was hurt and angry that I was trying to push him aside. This part of me felt it had done me great service with all the protecting and holding on to ideals. I thanked him profusely for his service to me. I then reminded him that I am not trying to kill him, just balance him with softness, wisdom, intuition and heart. I also reminded him how hard he works to stay vigilant and we looked at how battle weary he has become (even his armor is dented and tarnished, with pieces missing) trying to hold on to territory that clearly isn’t helping me at all. Wouldn’t he like a health upgrade so he is stronger and can enjoy life more? Then we reviewed many scenes of my physical life that have been harsh and looked at what all the inner conflict has created in my life and in my body. He agreed to change, calmed down and allowed more integration.
He got bigger in my vision and began glowing. His body healed its wounds and even his hair changed from straggly grey to thick, curly dark brown. His armor kind of dissolved and he turned golden. Then he integrated into the beautiful divine feminine energy that I uncovered within me over the weekend. Beautiful. The process that was interrupted by this part of me is continuing.
Note: I am aware that I am referring to an inner emotional part of me. Those parts show up intuitively as fully developed personalities in my meditations and spiritual work. Sometimes they are inner children, sometimes they are one dimensional grown-ups. They are often hurt or weak or dirty or undeveloped looking until they begin to heal and integrate.
I get triggered by all sorts of events, places and people. Triggered means that some inner emotion or energy is activated or pushed to show itself -usually because it is time for healing.
On Tuesday night I went to a dinner with a friend and someone else she had invited triggered me big time with her neediness, illnesses and sticky energy (a bit of ’save me’ kind of energy). I was triggered because I have had (and may still have) that SAME energy within me – the desire for someone else to save me – but ALSO because I have been going through a rather amazing transformation this week that is leading to a much more integrated and fulfilled me. I also know it is going to change my life a lot once it is fully integrated.
So the tricky, fearful ego (and the very smart higher self) used this woman’s neediness and illnesses and my reaction to her energy as an opening to both take in some of her attachments (nasty bug looking energy) and to bring up or uncover another pocket of an old frequency that needed healing in order to move into the new integrated being of me. My pattern is that when I am afraid of moving ‘forward’ in my spiritual growth I find some way to bring up old energy that interferes with smooth, easy transformation. It also makes sure that I am thorough in my integrating so it goes faster (remember, faster is hardly ever easier).
My reaction was that I didn’t sleep well Tuesday night and yesterday I was irritated and angry at store clerks, things did not go smoothly for me with a bank transaction (I actually had to leave the bank and go to another branch) and I began eating out of control. I intuitively got that it was due to my reaction to the woman the night before and took steps to clear what I might have picked up BUT I didn’t see or was not aware of how this was used to bring up some old energy that was within me. So I didn’t address that until last night. Once it cleared I was able to allow my current process to continue – until my inner damaged protector showed up to resist (and he integrated this am (see blog 1 for today for that story).
I made sure to bless that woman and my friend for their role in helping me with the next step in my healing.
My ego (the inner judge and blamer) tells me that no one will want to work with me if I admit that I am terrified about what is happening to me financially so I have been trying to either not talk/write about it or be very positive when I do. The truth is even gifted healers and intuitives have their own stuff to deal with. I hit a wall last night and all I can do right now is admit it.
I know I am one of the luckier ones because in 2 months when I have no more money I can sell or give everything away and go live in my friend’s ashram. It is not what I want to do or where I want to live geographically, but it is available. At least I have a place to go to and a working car to get me there.
I have done everything I have been intuitive guided to do (that I was aware of), I have worked on this fear for a year, I have consistently and constantly looked for a job, I have marketed my business, I am doing my best to give of both my time and my money so I am not so constricted energetically and still not enough money comes to me and I am not in a situation where I am supported by others for my physical comforts (i.e. no family, no community, etc). I do believe that had I been more frugal these past few years I might have still had enough money for about 4 more months, but that could just be me judging myself and I can’t do anything about it right now anyway. It is done.
How is it that I can be so powerful and gifted as a healer and intuitive for everyone else but can’t create what I need in the physical world? Although even as I write that part of me reminds me that up to now I have been ok (perhaps not getting what I want but definitely what I need). It is only the reality of my bank account and the math that tells me the money running out that has me terrified. I want to be more in the now and not worry about the future but we are talking a month and a half.That might as well be now.
So today – more walking to drain off some of this excess energy and more inner work to break the stranglehold of whatever is blocking me from functioning more adeptly in the physical world OR whatever keeps me from accepting that this is perfect and all will be well even if I end up with only a few small appliances and some cloths in an ashram.
But I am asking for help. I am asking for supportive prayers and healing energy from all who read this. May I find a way to connect with my inner abundance and find a way to create that in the physical world. May whatever growth I am generating from this be quick (MUCH quicker) so that I can shift this energy.