I write these blogs to show my spiritual growth and how it affects my every day life – how I integrate, the changes I see as a result, how steadily I am getting happier and how my spiritual mastery unfolds more and more.
So today – I am experiencing a lot of fear. It is clear that one of the great growth factors for me, right now, is the need to serve – to help in some way that is sane and balanced. In other words, where I take care of myself and I serve others. I do not know yet how that service will show up in my life since I am too afraid to allow it.
I have had many lifetimes where my need to serve caused me to sacrifice myself and other lifetimes where my need to take care of myself caused me to be quite resentful and selfish. In this life, I have teetered back and forth between the two. Right now I am being guided to serve more and a lot of fear is making itself known. All my fears of being sacrificed, used and miserable are up strong; plus I am sad that I have not healed this even though I get to visit this issue a lot. I know I had a rather intense experience with clearing some painful old energy and emotions around this issue just this past Friday (see previous blog) and that is why it is still up strong. Knowing doesn’t mitigate the intensity of the feelings. Additionally, since I am no longer using food to numb out, I am feeling it all – I have no distractions at all. UGH!!
All I can feel is that if I follow this intuitive call to serve I will end up homeless, penniless and used up. My mind can tell you that is extreme and rather dramatic but my emotions/ego still go there. I am praying, meditating, doing the energy work to love and transform this fear and old belief pattern. But for now, that is what is going on with me.
Just to show you how funny God can be, I switched phone companies on Friday morning and now I have terrible sounds coming through the phone. I don’t hear them but the person on the other end does. The phone company says they will check on it and let me know within 48 hours if they need to come out to the house to fix it – maybe that will be this week, maybe not. So ever since this issue became strong in my energy field for healing I have not been able to have any conversations with clients – so no business (except for one brave and kind soul who put up with it). Of course, that just triggers the fears EVEN MORE!! I must REALLY want to heal this once and for all!!!!
Earlier in the week I got to visit some deep fears (see previous blogs). Yesterday I got to wrestle with the part of me that is extremely self-critical, self-judging and self-abusive. Picture an internal part of me with a whip, constantly beating myself up. OWCH!!
Sometimes I spend time loving whatever is coming up or handing it over to god. This felt like I needed to visit with it for awhile to let it come up, or show up, fully. It didn’t feel good and felt very heavy, as if it wasn’t quite ready to heal but was doing it anyway. It took all day to release and today I feel kind of hungover and very tired from all the shifting. I am planning a light, easy day (we will see if my higher self agrees).
On the other hand I am more relaxed about my life and some of the details over which I was worrying. I feel more compassionate in general and certainly more loving towards myself. My work with others seems to be much easier and more powerful. I can feel optimism welling up again.
I have no idea how it will affect me in the long run but I am very happy to be healing this part of me. It blocked me from truly appreciating being in existence and from being calm and lighthearted about everything I do. These old patterns also blocked me from enthusiastically saying yes to each next step my higher self leads me to. That is kind of contradictory to my commitment to spiritual mastery. Now I am viewing myself and others through the energy of love and self-acceptance. It is different – softer and more relaxed and a whole lot more tolerant. Spiritual evolution at its best!
I got caught up in someone else’s money fears yesterday and got out of them within hours and was able to help someone move into a more aligned energy place, where she could more fully embrace her higher purpose in this life. It was a beautiful and moving session with very clear goddess guidance. I love those sessions.
I am finding a deeper sense of self-acceptance which is leading to greater acceptance and compassion for others. A lovely side benefit is this inner peace, calm and joy. I am really enjoying this part of my spiritual evolutionary path.
I appreciate all the work and contrast that occurred for me to be able to enjoy now.
I have noticed that the guidance to do that often begins very gently, maybe a whisper of an idea. Then it gets stronger, perhaps all kinds of synchronicities occur and/or certain things in our life just go away. Then it gets a lot stronger, sometimes hardship or physical discomfort. Maybe I see that in my clients and the people around me (in person and online) because it has been that way with me and I notice that which is like me. It is hard to tell.
Also, aligning with our higher self shows up in all areas of our life, financial, relationships, self-talk, physical, etc. It doesn’t just effect some esoteric beliefs or conscious awareness of ourselves as god.
I was watching a dvd on Thursday night and all of a sudden found myself unable to watch anymore. I turned it off and thought I was tired. But what happened is that my higher self wanted to have a talk with me. Usually when my higher self wants me to do something different I gradually become aware of it or I just do it, then wonder afterwards what is going on. Not this time. I heard a very firm voice talk to me that night. I also know that I had been resisting this guidance for a little while, even going to sleep a few days before when it was trying to come through stronger.
And what did it say? Did it share more magic from the universe? Did it give me insight into more earth changes? NO, it was very practical and direct (and loud!!). It told me to stop eating meat products – no chicken, no ground turkey, no eggs, no butter and no cheese. A few times a week I can have some fish. I have been guided and attracted to vegan eating for over 7 years but have not had the internal emotional maturity to stick with it because part of the way I was still limiting myself is by allowing my addiction to certain foods and the effects they had on me emotionally control me. I even allowed a genetic tendency towards diabetes become a reality because of this.
So when you hear a voice strongly in your head telling in no uncertain terms to change something, you change. Or at least I did. This part of me told me some other things too that I needed to change to be able to handle the increase in clientele that I have already co-created. It was all very practical but tied to the spiritual evolution I have been experiencing recently. But the way this information came to me was so different I paid attention and acted on it right away. I am thrilled that I have grown enough that I didn’t have to create any more physical distress to ‘get’ it.
I am experiencing some personal changes in an interesting way. In the past two days I have had the privilege of assisting two friends through pivotal shifts. However, during each of their shifts I too have been worked on. I am not sure I have noticed that before. I know when I work with my monk friend it happens but then she is a very high vibration, and there is no way it cannot. But now it is happening with me.
Additionally, a week ago I listened to my higher self as it emphatically told me to stop eating meat products. So now I am detoxing too but I think it is helping my vibration raise more. My intuitive guidance tells me that there is less resistance in the body to the shifting I am experiencing so it seems to be happening faster.
On two different days this week I basically spent most of the day by myself (other than walking and running to the library) AND, drum roll, I didn’t beat myself up about it or push myself to do anything more. I am just being – too many changes are occurring for me to do anything else. Somehow the days are being filled up. Between all the new vegan and raw foods recipes I am trying and all the pro bono work I have been guided to do and the clients, I am busy. It is a lovely busy though, just enough so I am not too bored but not too much to make me crazy. I can no longer run from one thing to another. Everything is mindful or it is stressful. I kind of like living this way. I am content with myself more times than not. It is a pleasure to say that and to live it. I APPRECIATE this state of being immensely.
Spiritual growth comes the ways we allow it. If we close off one way, it shows up some other way. Sometimes we have to approach various parts or phases of it from many different ways at the same time.
Mine often comes with beautiful and exciting visualizations, information, and discernible energy shifting. I had some of that this week (see my yahoo group for my description of a beautiful integration of a higher aspect of me while working with someone else– down2earthspritstff on yahoogroups.com) This past week it has also come via eating differently and some emotional work done for a program in which I am participating, both of which I was guided to do by my intuition. (This is what I call practical spiritual stuff.)
I switched to vegan eating a little over a week ago. Not just vegan but about 80% raw with hardly any fruit and no grains (I will eventually begin sprouting them). I have been amazed at myself at how I just did it considering I have been guided to do this for about 7 years and couldn’t stick with it. But the time is now, so it is happening.
I have been detoxing since about the 4th day, which is not pleasant but it is informative. It means my body reeeeaaaaaaally needed this change, to give it a break physically and to help it catch up with the energy shifts the rest of me already went through. I have already noticed that I generally feel better, even though I cannot put my finger on exactly what is better physically. However, in my spiritual work there is a greater clarity and ease that is noticeable. I move quicker into the higher vibration needed to support my clients with their healing choices, and, more importantly, I am staying in that higher vibration longer because my body isn’t fighting off the effects of harsh, and sometimes toxic, food that it doesn’t want or need.
Additionally, either as part of this detox or as part of some emotional inventory work I am doing, I tapped into some deep hurt I had not healed yet. It is hurt I have visited before but now I am approaching it on a much deeper level. How can I tell? Because today when I woke up I felt much lighter after all the emotional flow that happened yesterday when I tapped into the hurt. I feel as if I opened a door to a place where I had stuffed a bunch of that hurt while trying to believe it didn’t matter or was already healed.
You know how our higher selves are – we are put in situations where we get to learn or heal, if we choose, and where the people we interact with usually participate in that healing in some way. So I had help in opening the door to this deep hurt by an insensitive and controlling family member who so brilliantly (and easily) triggered some deep feelings of non-acceptance and invalidation. I also was helped by an acquaintance innocently asking how someone could get to be my age and not have experienced something that I keep thinking I desperately want to experience (life with a mate/partner). It just wasn’t part of her reality so she couldn’t understand it.
I am reminded that if I didn’t have this stuff to heal no one would be triggering me. After all the emotions released I was able to embrace that thought easier (LOL!!) and bless that family member and acquaintance for the role played in all of this. I also realized that anything I am using as a focus for holding on to old emotions is just a distraction. If I didn’t already have a belief that I needed something outside of me in order for me to be acceptable or loved or whole, none of the expectations or desires would matter. For instance, if I accepted myself totally as I am I wouldn’t still have the belief that I need to please anyone else in order to survive or be happy, yet I still have some of that I struggle with. There are a lot more examples but I plan to write them up in another blog.
I am aware of the more practical nature of this phase in my spiritual evolution because of my experiences this week with my reactions to my change in eating and my emotional work done while following my intuitive guidance. I did not know what would result from following that guidance, but I have enough experience to follow any intuitive guidance that comes to me this strongly. I am pleased with myself and my growth.
I came home from my first day on the job in such excruciating pain and so dead tired all I could do was lay down. Let me tell you, I was scared. I called friends to ask for their help and I asked for help on a yahoogroup, where I got a lot of advice about stretching and office ergonomics rather than any real intuitive help. I thought I was not going to be able to continue with the job because my body couldn’t handle sitting all day.
I was in such fear that I forgot one of the basic tenets of this ascension process we are going through -that is if we are shifting some deeply held fears or if there is a lot of resistance, it will hurt!!!! It has to come out some way and through the body (rather than emotionally or shifting energy) is often painful.
I received some help discovering the reasons for the pain from a very intuitive friend. bless her. One of the reasons was left over fear from when I had a full time job where I was treated horribly. Part of me had not let go of that completely and it was triggered by taking this new job in an office. I had been trying to avoid that when I was looking for a job. The second reason was I still had a belief that if I took this job it would take my focus away from what I am passionate about, which is assisting others along their spiritual evolutionary path, and I would be stuck doing jobs I don’t care about the rest of my life. I know, kind of dramatic but it was there.
Once I was able to identify what was going on I was able to allow the flow of healing to be easier and my body pains went away within hours. Seriously, I was a new person by the end of the second day!!! I am even able to relax about the job and how much time it takes out of my day!!
It was a good example of the practical application of all this spiritual shifting. I was reminded of all of the following:
As soon as I was able to relax and allow the fears to be blessed and heal, all sorts of new business came my way and some wonderful new ideas were presented to help me spread the word out about new possible classes and the upcoming teleconferences. I am sooooo grateful for the incredible positive changes in my life.
My choice and my commitment have been to live for my highest and best good. I have tried to make each choice from that perspective, until recently. I chose to take a part time job that I knew was not in my highest and best good because I could not heal the inner stress caused by scarcity issues that were showing up as very low income.
And the job looks perfect – hours are good, people are supportive and funny, I laugh a lot, the boss is very laid back, dress is casual, the supervision is hands off enough to be comfortable, I get to talk to people all day, it is close to home, I have no real responsibility and it doesn’t require a lot of effort or intelligence. It seems like the perfect part time job to augment my income while I continue to focus on my true passion – my business and my art.
However, it is not in my highest and best interest. It could be because I attracted this job from the energy of desperation so the vibration has been too low since then (and nothing works when attracted from desperation) It could be because I need to learn to trust without getting a job. It could be I am not ready to be around that many people (in person or on the phone) and I cannot keep my energy vibrations high or clean. It doesn’t matter why, it just is not in my highest and best interest to be there and that is enough.
The shock of doing something day after day that is not in my highest and best interest after years of choosing to do just that is taking its toll. I am tired all the time. It takes effort to raise my vibration at the end of each day. I found myself slipping back into some hopelessness energy. I can’t muster up any passion for what makes my heart sing.
I know I need to leave this job and now I am allowing healing for the scarcity issues that demanded I obtain it in the first place. Although I definitely trust more than I did a few weeks ago, it is still a hard call to decide to follow the highest good rather than the more practical path of supplementing my burgeoning business with a part time job (which MANY people do). I also want to make sure it is not my disappointment that is driving me to this decision – disappointment that my business is taking so long to take off (as I know it is going to) or that I had to get a job for which I have no passion, something I swore I would never do again but DID!!
The truth, as I know it, is once we get to a certain vibrational level of living we cannot stand to be around lower vibrations for too long and the vibration of this job is lower than I am comfortable with. So I am handling this with a lot of prayer and sitting with my intuition until the timing becomes clear. I am also embracing and loving all my scarcity issues in all their forms. I am also appreciating the contrast in vibration as I know that will spur me to choose activities and relationships with matching vibrations to mine.