I notice I am having a hard time catching up to some of the changes that have already happened to me.
I have used all sorts of behaviors to make me feel better – eating, shopping, raging, trying to merge with a man, complaining to friends etc. I would get an energy/emotional rush from it and at least suppress whatever emotion I didn’t want to feel anymore.
I was led to a job at a bead store last September. It was so synchronistic there was no mistaking it. And, at first, I loved it. It was perfect for me. I talked to people all day, I dressed casually, I learned a lot more about a craft I love, I taught it to others, and it got me out of the house while I was waiting for all the shifting to settle down until I knew what was next for me. I also came to know that I was and still am helping a lot of people evolve spiritually – both directly with words and more diffusely with energy.
But things began to change and by December it was not as pleasant as it was at first. Partially because I am so impatient and partially because a new assistant manager was appointed who was not as easy to work with as the manager. By the time the manager went out on pregnancy leave, I was really not liking it. However, no matter how often I looked for another job I could not find one. Even when I was having a little inner temper tantrum about it, I still knew I needed to stay there (well maybe for a day or two I thought I could leave).
So when I am going through a ‘healing’ opportunity I am often desperate for ways to feel better. In February an old, deep issue came up again for possible healing. I don’t know about you but not only do I go through all the feelings that were suppressed around my issue but I also go through anger and upset that I am going through it again!!! Not very productive but one of those things I have not healed yet.
When I am in the middle of the shift I need help in feeling better so I don’t wallow in fear and anger and sabotage my own spiritual/energetic/emotional growth. I have four websites I go to often to read beautiful uplifting messages and to remind myself who I truly am – What’s Up on Planet Earth with Karen Bishop, Messages from Matthew at Matthewbooks.com, Crimson Circle, and Celia Fenn’s website (Starchild Global – I read her logs).
I was so sure it was intuitively right to leave my job. I planned three trips in April and May. I was happy at the thought of not working there anymore.
But my irritation at being there had more to do with my reactions to others’ words and energy than my own inner needs. As I lay in bed for 2 weeks with my second bout of the flu I had time to come back to myself. I had the space to feel my own inner heart and processes. I remembered that it doesn’t matter what others are saying, thinking, feeling or acting out. My commitment is to my own spiritual growth and to walk being the compassion and love I know I am.
I have been committed to a pretty intense spiritual path for a long time now. Yet I still struggle with my faith.
It isn’t that I don’t have faith in God or my higher self. It is that I worry that I will get in my own way, time after time. I am not as naive and optimistic as I once was. I know how bad it can get now. And the intuitive info is coming calmer – not a big push where it was easier to follow even if I was very afraid at the same time. It is smaller. It is a small knowing or a small breathe of fresh air.
Hi there, I might actually be coming into the present times with technology by finally starting a blog. However, I cannot figure out the editing so this will be rough for a while until I do.
I was going to do a newsletter but decided that was too stuffy. I like things fluid and it gives you, the reader a chance to respond to me.
Things are interesting right now aren’t they? Lots of movement, some of which is not so comfortable. Those of us who are wayshowers are tired and out of sync with others who are just beginning their spiritual ascension. The thing to remember right now is to be true to yourself.