I am finally being myself and honest about it to others. I find they think I am just snapping!! LOL!!
The more I grow spiritually and emotionally, the less I need to sublimate myself to others' wishes, needs, rules or expectations. Instead of feeling resentful I now just tell them no. I try to be more tactful than I used to be but I still do it. I am in the phase of being rather alone right now because of this deep change. I am also in the phase of discovering myself - who I am without constantly adjusting to others. It is interesting, and sometimes disturbing, to find out how little I know of my own desires when I am not responding to others emotions, needs or energies.
Some things remain - I still LOVE flowers, the color pink, comfort and blowing soap bubbles- but some have hanged - I have a hard time finding things to read even though I use to be a voracious reader, I like to take my time throughout the day instead of rushing like I used to, I do not like anger or to be around it, I don't go along anymore just to get along, I don't get upset just because others around me are upset, I can barely stand to watch tv, I wear what I want no matter what others think I should be wearing, I am having difficulty in engaging in the art forms I used to love, I can barely buy groceries for more than a day or two at a time because I have no idea what I will want in a few days time, AND I no longer want to spend time with people just to be taking up time. I also do not like or want to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - seem barbaric to me even though I definitely could use more money.
Each day I am rediscovering what delights me. What would you be like if you let your true self emerge? I am finding that out day by day.
No. No. Feel how that trips off the tongue. Imagine how it is to tell someone calling you to offer you a job – NO – because it is not the right thing for you. No worries about money, status, building your business, or anything else. All you do is check in with your inner guidance and realize it is not the right thing for you. Exhilarating isn’t it??
What if it is that easy? What if you MUST do this in order to make room in your energy and life for the perfect next job for you?
I had two different people call me this past week to offer me cleaning jobs in huge houses. Both paid decent but my energy has changed and building a cleaning business does not resonate with me. It was very, very hard to say no, but I did. The very next day someone else offered me a job making less money but much more in line with my energy. I am assuming there will be more along those lines as time goes on. When I am aligned with my higher purpose this IS how easy income flow can be.
Someone recently told me my energies are scattered when I asked why I cannot manifest what I want. I have heard that before even though I still couldn’t find/feel what they were referring to.
So a couple of nights ago I asked for all the scattered energies to come back, to be cleansed and refocused. I asked for appropriate energetic and emotional detachment from everyone that I have ever been angry with, guilty about, or hurt by. I was very clear on the few things on which I wanted to focus. I then slept very well until about 4 am when I woke up feeling as if something was moving back into my body, as if some part of me decided to return. I opened very quickly to a lot of higher vibration energy that left me shaking for hours.
I also knew right away I had to go back to the book I abandoned writing 3 years ago but add back in the intimate details of my life that I had deliberately not included. Now I am trusting that this opening and subsequent integration will allow me clarity on when and what to write while I am also working to earn income.
In this post eclipse time we are being guided to what is true for the more authentic self of each of us. It could be back to something that you used to do or know was right for you but got sidetracked from because you needed to clear or expand more (or had to put it aside to make money). It could also be something abruptly new that you never even thought of or still have fears around.
I have a friend who is going back to her artistic roots. This is something that came up over and over in channelings for her over the past 2 years but she is now ready to re-embrace it. I am being guided to go back to the book I gave up writing 3 years ago. It is a surprise to me because I thought the whole purpose of writing was just for my own inner healing. However, I woke up today knowing it was time to focus on writing this book again. I also know I have to be intimately honest about my reactions/actions/emotions in the book and that is bringing up a lot of fear. My friend is feeling very vulnerable about her choice also.
So it is for many lightworkers (not all, but many). What appears to be an abrupt change in direction or guidance is really our ability to finally and clearly know what is true for us, and to allow ourselves to embrace it out loud. No more hiding, obfuscating, diffusing or distracting. All that scouring out of inner issues and beliefs had a purpose!! We are not used to exposing that inner true self so openly but it IS the way of the higher dimensional living into which we are all moving. As we get used to being that authentic in our everyday lives we will eventually not be able to imagine any other way of living.
Like many of you I am very sensitive to the energy around me. I am often reacting to it long before I understand what is going on. Usually, as soon as I stop to tune in to the energy I am able to quell any extreme reactions; that is IF I can stop to tune in.
I just moved from a place where I was so crazed about needing it to be clean and quiet – two things it was not. My new place is actually MUCH dirtier (years of dirt rather than just 4-5 months) and I am not feeling pushed to clean it all right now. The housemate’s door to her bedroom is very loud when it shuts and I notice it but do not react much. If you knew me, you would know that is a big change for me.
What IS different is the energy of the woman who owns the house and her boyfriend. I don’t feel the need to clean up their energy on any level so I don’t feel the need to distract from that by compulsively cleaning her house. Additionally, my psychic nerves are not being violated by someone in the house (as happened in the previous place) so I am calmer and more grounded.
Now I didn’t fully realize what was creating all the inner stress when I lived in the old place until I got into the new place. I had hints and I thought I had been successful at repelling the violating energy but I needed deal with it every day and I didn’t. So even though the housemates here are warm, caring and much more self-responsible, the real issue is that no part of me is reacting negatively to their energy.
I am so thrilled I have changed enough to attract this into my life and to re-remember it is ALWAYS about the energy (either within me or outside of me).
I once had a dream where I was under the ocean and couldn’t come up for air. It occurred to me in the dream that I must be there for a reason and I should just begin to breathe in the water, instead of pushing against the situation to change it. I remember the joy when I realized I could breathe under water. I had already changed but didn't know it because my mind was still expecting things to be the same. It was a watershed (pun intended) moment in my spiritual awakening.
I reused this immediate acceptance of my circumstances during a recent rather stressful search for a new place to live. I discovered the stress was actually due to the healing of a very deeply held fear about being homeless and belief that if I had a lot of money and could afford a nice place something or some people would attack me and take it away. I stopped one day in the middle of my search and breathed in the fear. I went deeper and I totally accepted that fear. Funny, it began healing as soon as I stopped running from it.
Breathe the fears in. Pretend to trust enough to allow and know your own inner magic will be fabulous at healing them and embracing YOU!!
It is funny how our reality is so governed by our perceptions. My reality is that I have too much stuff. As I have been packing to move I have been trying to whittle down my stuff to fewer boxes. Someone else, listening to me describe the volume of my stuff, told me I didn’t have that much. After she said that I began looking at my belongings differently and realized I was frantically trying to make it easier to move and fit into other people’s living spaces.
Now mind you, I have three pieces of bedroom furniture (bed – no fancy frame, small Bombay chest of drawers, and a narrow book shelf), 2 floor lamps, a floor fan, and maybe 23 small boxes of belongings plus some large garbage bags filled with pillows and bed linens. THAT IS IT!! I recognized that in trying to make it easier for me to take smaller and smaller rooms in other people’s homes or apartments I was viewing my meager belongings as too much. I wanted to make sure I didn't cause any problems by having too much stuff. I have now adjusted my perception.
Today I found myself revisiting the thought I have been carrying around about how fat and unattractive I am. Maybe that too is just a skewed perception that can be changed.
When the inner deep still small intuitive voice says make a change – do it. Go beyond the emotional reaction and the mental gymnastics. You can deal with all of that after you make the change.
I have been wrangling with a decision about leaving the place I live in. I do not want to be running away from something because my ego is in self-righteous mode or because I am getting triggered by a particular person’s behaviors. I want to transcend all of that and grow from it. I actually gave notice on May 1 and then went into doubt. I had discussions with two of the three housemates and felt even more insecure with my decision. I had the best, most peaceful afternoon at the place while everyone was gone and went over and over how much I liked the location and the room I have.
Finally I sat down in the middle of all these thoughts and reactive emotions and went inside. I went deep and expansive enough to go beyond the thoughts and emotions and I asked if it was in my highest and best interest to leave.
The answer was immediate, calm and definitive. YES it was time to move for my growth. No other reason. That is good enough for me and I am now enjoying a greater measure of inner peace.
Oh how funny! Here I thought I was going to sit down and write a blog about how we react when we begin to get what we think we want, i.e. the money rolls in, we have choices on where to live (don’t have to just make do), people want to be friends with and in community with you, etc. Then the fear of making a choice comes up – the fear of making the wrong choice, of the other shoe dropping as soon as you make a choice, of it just being a test and maybe you have no idea what to do or how to handle it or the fear of making the highest and best choice for you and what that might lead to (more loss, processing, change that doesn’t feel positive).
BUT in the time between experiencing this for myself and sitting down to write about it I had already shifted. I think it was a total of an hour. It shifted so much it feels like the fear was in another lifetime. Are you finding this? The more you stay fluid the more inner stuff comes up for healing/releasing or integrating and the faster it does?
Just breathe and stay open. These days there may not be anything else you need to do.
WOW!! Embracing being human fully is a trip. I just went to another level of this during this past week. You know, it is a lot easier to appreciate the earth from this integrated and more fulfilled energy space.
Throughout this intense spiritual journey I have not been terribly successful at bridging the gap between the incredible moving and loving spiritual growth and my every day physical existence. My understanding has been that I don’t get what I want, I just have to surrender to whatever comes. I have even had to decide several times if I wanted to stay on earth. I have to tell you it was a decision by default – it just intuitively felt right to stay. I have never enthusiastically or even fearfully (because I was afraid of dying) thought I must stay.
I have healed this from many angles but new information came to light the other day as I once again wanted to release the thought that I don’t get anything I want in this life. I discovered the part of me that held itself back from the total human experience. I felt disdain about being human, as if it is a lower form of existence. I also felt I could not do my job here on earth if I merged too far into being human. My job was to save the world, which I know is leftover from many lifetimes where I assimilated the responsibility of saving various groups/villages, oh yeah, and the Jews (yes, the whole culture). It spilled over into my human life in many ways but the hardest was that I don’t let myself get too deep into relationships (in case I need to move on – physically or spiritually) and my whole life has been about working – working on myself, working to earn money, or working to help others or the world. I have done a pretty good job of releasing the need to save anyone but not in integrating this part that held itself separate (or balancing the work aspect with much of anything else). That is why I have had a continuous impression/feeling of not belonging here and wanting to go home (that I know many lightworkers experience even if it is perhaps for other reasons). And really, that 'saving' job is done so I had no idea what the heck do I do with myself.
This part of me identifies very strongly with the higher dimensions, the universe, the cosmos, anything but grounding to earth. The other day I found myself identifying again strongly with the part that just doesn’t want to be human BUT this time I also saw the loving part that is firmly embodied and expanded into the oneness; and the gap between both. After some intense releasing of other energies, expectations, and sadness at how my human life has been so far I began to embrace that loving energy. The deep inner barrier began to lighten up. It was very very slow and actually has taken many days (and it is not gone but MUCH lighter).
I am calmer, my body is more relaxed and I can see the light on earth easier now. It is also easier to be a compassionate witness to the people around me without needing to jump in, judge or run away. I find I am learning to treasure relationships, down time, breathing, nature and just being in a way that I couldn’t let myself before. I am excited to see what comes
my way from this more fulfilled, accepting place of existence.